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26 June 2010 @ 11:34 am

Author: [info]claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 3,604
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes: Au, univerise. The title of this story is from the Blue October song - Hate Me. This chapter was written so many times and I'm  only just a bit happy with it.  I tried to make the conversation angsty, but not sappy and overly emotional.
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: what if Dean was the little brother. Sam still went away to college but he left his little brother with his dad figuring, foolishly, that he could trust his old man to take care of him.

“Are you absolutely sure that meeting with John like this is a wise idea?” She asked. She had long waited for the day when Dean would feel confident enough to confront his dad. She knew that as a child Dean had only known what it was like to live the life of an army recruit. She knew things had happened to Dean that broke the laws of both decency and legality. She could have intervened and helped Dean. She could have ensured that Dean had a normal childhood, but she didn’t. She knew that his life would be hard and full of obstacles that a normal upbringing could never prepare him for. She knew that he would have to suffer though the hard times to help survive the harsh future to come. The future she had seen for him was filled with good things as well as the bad. A loving relationship with his brother would bring him the happiness that he more than deserved. The power she had sensed in him as a child would make itself known, but only once he was more settled within himself. She had often felt guilty for not trying to stop the way Dean had been raised. That guilt was part of the reason she had agreed to help Dean set up a meeting with John.

“I don’t have a choice.” He still had a headache from his dream about Sam killing their dad. A death that had been far too real for him to dismiss. It had been one of the reasons he had asked Missouri to set up a meeting with his dad.

“Yes you do. No one is forcing you to do this. You can still walk away.”

“What would you tell dad?” It would be a lie if he didn’t admit to himself that confronting his dad scared him.

“Did you know that there has been a higher than normal number of possessions in Denver? These possessions are the prelude to something big. It could be that yellow eyes is beginning to gather an army.”

“He would already know about those possessions.”

“John doesn’t know everything about the supernatural world. There are some things that he is painfully naïve of. The YED would not build or prepare for a war where it can be easily discovered. It is something that would be done slowly with cunning and intelligent, detailed planning.”

With a small smile at just how devious Missouri could be he said, “It’s a believable lie, but it doesn’t change anything. I have to do this.”

It may look as if she was attempting to persuade Dean not to confront his dad, but she wasn’t. She just wanted Dean to know that he could change his mind and she wouldn’t think any less of him. “Why are you so determined?”

“I had a dream.”

“This dream…was it too realistic to be a dream?”

Running a weary hand over his head he sighed and said. “It was a vision.”

“How does it make you feel now that your psychic abilities are finally becoming visible?” She wanted any conversations about Dean’s physic abilities to go at a slow pace. She still wasn’t too sure how well Dean had accepted his gift.

“It left me with a headache that still isn’t gone after four days.”

Suffering from headaches after experiencing a vision was common amongst pyshics. To still have a headache after four days was unusual. It meant the visison had been an extremely powerful one. “What did the vision show you?”

“Sam and dad were in a motel room. Dad was tied securely to a bed that had a ring of salt around it. Sam was sitting in a chair that was at the end of the bed. They both got into a heated conversation about me. Sam killed our dad. He shot our father and walked out of the motel room and just left him there to die.”

In a calming soothing voice she said. “How can you be so sure that Sam killed John? Did the vision show you the exact moment of his death.”

“The bullet hit the side of his neck. No one survives that, not even him.”

“I’m sorry the vision showed you something so violent. You have to realise that confronting John like this may not change what happens. This could just be something that needs to happen for the vision to become a reality.”

He slowly began to pace around the small length of the kitchen. All he had to do to confront his dad was open the closed kitchen door, walk along the small hallway and then into the lounge. It was just a serious of small actions. He knew that confronting his dad could make his vision a reality, but it could also be the very thing that prevented it. He stopped pacing placed his hand on the door handle, pushed it down and opened the door a couple of inches. “I need to do this.”

“I’ll be right here if you need me,” Missouri said quietly. She still had some reservations about allowing Dean to confront John, but she couldn’t stop him. All she could do was support him.

Opening the door all the way he said, “Thank you.”

He stepped though the open door and walked down the small hallway into the lounge. For several silent minutes all he could do was stare at his father. The man that sat in front of him wasn’t as big as he remembered. The size of his dad used to scare him. He could remain standing so that he held some power over his dad, but he chose not to. He chose to sit in a small comfortable chair opposite his dad. He wasn’t going to play petty mind games with his dad just to score points. He just wanted to be as comfortable as possible for what he knew was going to be a long conversation.


“Why are you here and not with your brother on a hunt?”

He wasn’t going to question how his dad knew Sam was hunting with him. He wasn’t going to allow the paranoid part of himself to believe his dad was spying on him. He just forced himself to relax more. “He is with Bobby on another hunt.”

“They send you here to keep you out of the way? What did you do to them?”

He was speaking to his dad for the first time in months and there had been no warm welcome. His dad didn’t ask how he had been. There had been no concern. All his dad had done was attempting to start an argument. He knew that at some point during the conversation he would lose his patience and temper, but he wouldn’t let it happen within the first few minutes. He wasn’t going to answer his dad’s demanding question. It wasn’t going to be a conversation his dad had any control over. “There is no meeting with Missouri. She has no information for you. You are here to talk to me.”

“All of this was arranged just to get me here? Being here without a good reason is a waste of my time and resources. Any conversation you want to have with me can wait.” John was angry that Dean had used Missouri to arrange this meeting.

“It can’t wait dad.”

“Yes it can. Whatever has got you so disobedient does not deserve any of my time. I will not allow this temper tantrum of yours to take up anymore of my time.”

His dad’s words were designed to hurt him. Dean knew that his dad was attempting to gain control of the conversation. He wasn’t going to lie to himself and say that his dad’s words didn’t hurt, because they did. He could feel his old defences slowly slipping back into place. Despite his dad’s words the man had made no attempt to leave. “If you don’t want to be here leave.”

Narrowing his eyes at Dean’s words, he knew that he wouldn’t be the one to back down. He wouldn’t allow Dean to push him into leaving. Leaving now would give him the appearance of a coward. “Has Sam grown tried of you?”

Refusing to break eye contact with his dad, he calmly replied, “I’m not a child anymore. I never had the chance to be. If you want to use Sam against me in this conversation do it in an adult manner.”

“Dean,” he paused for a couple for minutes. His youngest son, the one he had had been sure would never disobey him and follow him to the hunt’s eventual end was acting like Sam. It was obvious to him that Sam’s influence on Dean had not been a good one that would need to change. “You are my son, but if you continue to speak to me with that tone of voice I will not be held responsible for my actions.”

“What are you going to do to me that hasn’t already been done?”

“You had a good childhood. It may have been unusual, but there was nothing you went without.”


“How dare…”

Interrupting his dad’s attempt at defence he said, “Do you remember the friend you left me with for a few days? The friend who attacked me and took what was left of my innocence. You chose to believe your friends piss poor explanation of what happened, over the truth I was telling you.”

“You lied to me. I served with Steve; he is a man I trust with my life. You were a selfish teenager who craved attention and you didn’t seem to care where that attention came from.”

“Why after six years do you still believe I lied?”

“Steve saved my life countless times. He would never harm a child. For you to claim he raped you is vindictive. Instead of taking you back to his house, I should have gone to the nearest police station.”

Shaking his head he replied. “The police would have taken the time to listen to what I had to say. They would have used medical tests to prove that I was telling the truth. For days afterward I couldn’t sit still for too long. I still flinch every time someone who looks like him gets too close. How can you still tell me that I lied?”

“You have always been good at playing any part required of you.”

“You still think I’m lying.”

“I know you are. No one would want to touch you in any kind of sexual manner. You are just not that good.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to say that Sam loved him, but he didn’t want to give his dad something else to use against him. At the moment his dad was only taking small digs at him. He wasn’t going to lose his temper just so his dad could be proved right in some screwed up way. “It doesn’t matter if you can’t believe what I’m telling you. I know what happened. Your friend was a paedophile.”

“He was a scout leader. He provided entertainment for kid’s parties. People trusted him with their children. That is not the kind of trust which any parent gives easily.”

He could say John Wayne Gacy had been a respected member of the community. He could also say that the man would hold regular fundraising parties for charities and kids, but he didn’t. He didn’t say a word about how a man who appeared to be so good had killed so many people. It would have just led to an argument about having too much knowledge on serial killers. All he had ever done was watch the biography channel whenever it was available in the motels they had stayed in. “Why did you treat me so differently after I told you about Steve?”

“I couldn’t trust you.”

“Do you remember when I broke my nose?”

“Yes.” John could still remember when Dean had disappeared for a few hours. He had never been worried or given any serious thought to where his son could have gone. He just assumed Dean had found a hunt on his own. A hunt that he had never participated in. Dean’s broken nose had been something he had dismissed as an injury from the hunt.

“You still don’t remember how it happened.”

“You screwed up on a solo hunt. Does it really matter if I can’t remember a simple injury?”

“Simple,” Dean took a simple breath, silently counted to ten and reminded himself just why he was having this conversation with his dad. “You broke my nose.”

He couldn’t remember hitting Dean, but there were certain parts of his life he couldn’t recall. He usually put that memory loss down to the injuries he had received from various hunts. He didn’t want to admit to himself that the amount of alcohol he consumed was responsible for his memory loss. “I would never hurt you like that.”

Unable to stop the short bark of laughter he said. “You … did far worse things to me than a broken nose.”

“Like what exactly, did I hurt your feelings?”

He wanted to tell his dad about the time he had raped his own son, so he could gain a little bit of closure. It wasn’t worth the trouble. He couldn’t allow his dad to have anymore power over him. He wasn’t going to be held responsible for how his dad reacted. “There are some things that hurt more than words. Why did you treat me differently from Sam?”

“Sam is all Winchester. He has all of the good points of me and Mary. You are the reason Mary died. Without you, Sam and I would never have known what the life of a hunter would be like.”

His dad’s words about the man he knew so little about struck deep. He had always felt responsible for his mom’s death, even though he had only been six months old when it happened. It didn’t help that his dad was confirming his long held fears. Determined not to let his dad see how much those words had affected him he kept all emotion from his face. “So what did I do as a baby, summon a demon and set fire to my own nursery.”

“Do not treat your mother’s death as joke.”

“If I was joking I’d be smiling and telling you about the zombie chicken that crossed a road. Mom’s death has never been a joke for me I want to know why you blame me for her death. I want you to tell me why it’s my fault the Winchesters are hunters.”

“Mary was trying to protect you from the demon. She didn’t realise that that the demon was only trying to take you back.”

For several seconds all he could do was stare at his dad in disbelief. He had always known his dad was obsessed with the yellow eyed demon but this took things to a new low. Moving forward in the chair he calmly asked, “Am I connected to the demon?”

“He did something that changed you.”

“How can you possibly know what changes a baby? At six months old I was still developing and growing. I didn’t do anything that wasn’t like any other baby. How can you sit there and tell I’m connected to the demon that killed mom.”

“How can you know that your actions as a baby were normal? You can’t use Sam as a viable source of information he was far too young to remember anything.”

“I was a normal baby.”

A small part of John was screaming at him to stop talking. That part of him wanted to protect Dean from what he was going to say. It was just a shame that any concern he had for Dean was buried too deep for it to have any affect on his actions. “You were such a quiet baby. All of those milestones you eagerly wait to happen to your child came and went far too quickly. At nine months old you were walking and at two you were doing mathematical equations that a 12 year old would have trouble with. You were so damn smart. It should have been something that I took pride in. My son was a genius, but it just confirmed something for me.”

“What did it confirm?”

“The demon made you a part of him.”

He wanted to laugh at his dad and share in what he hoped was a joke. He knew that it was useless to hope for the impossible. His dad had never joked about the demon. “A part of him?”

“Do I really have to put this in easy to understand words? Are you that dense you can’t understand what I am telling you? You are more like the demon than me or Mary.”

He got up from the sea and resisted the urge to pace. He would not let his dad see how much the conversation was affecting him. “You honestly believe I’m not your son.”


“You almost sound happy that I’m not your son. Hell, if it was true don’t you think I’d be the first one to celebrate? You can’t escape the facts of DNA. How can you seriously believe such bullshit?”

“There is nothing about you that I can point to and say that’s what he got from me. I’ll admit that you have these small mannerisms that remind me of Mary, but that’s not enough. You look nothing like me. There is nothing that would let people know we are related. With Sam, it’s obvious he is a Winchester, but you are just too different.”

“So I’m nothing like you. It’s not as if that is a big loss to the world. You know I’m your son. Hell, no matter how much I wish it wasn’t true, I can’t get away from it.”

Casually getting up from his seat John looked at his son. Dean was becoming more confident with each minute that passed. He was becoming a lot more defiant and it wasn’t something he liked. Dean should be more agreeable. It was like he was arguing with Sam. “Watch that tone. You are not my son; no amount of denial on your part is going to change that.”

Bowing his head for a few seconds, Dean tried to keep calm, but it was useless. Any silent promises he made to keep calm were gone. “When I was 14, the day after you broke my nose I bribed a doctor to run a DNA test. I told him that my dad was refusing to let me back into the house until I could prove I was his kid. I even cried. I pulled on every one of the doc’s heartstrings and it worked.”

“You couldn’t have done something so...” pausing for a few seconds to find a suitable word before adding, “smart. For starters you would need my DNA and that is not something I would willing give to you.”

“How much do you know about DNA?”


With a small smirk he said, “A blood soaked towel that you should have burned was all I needed to give to the doctor.”

“You had no right.”

“It’s odd that you honestly believe your rights are worth a damn when it concerns me. The DNA tests confirmed you are my dad. You have no idea how disappointed I was with those results. For the two days I waited for those results I could hold onto the hope I had a dad who loved me.”

“How dare you be so disrespectful? I raised you better than that.”

“I never respected you in the first place.” With a grim smile he stepped closer to his dad. Even though the thought of being so close to his dad sent a shiver of fear though him he didn’t let it show. Squaring his shoulders he looked at his dad and said, “I always used to look at you in fear. I can’t remember a time when I loved you. I tried to tell Sam that you did care for me and I was important to you, but it wasn’t true. Tell me dad, did I ever matter?”

For several seconds, all John could do was look at Dean. It would be so easy for him to pull Dean apart. He could so easily take away the newfound confidence Dean had. It would leave him vulnerable and easy to mould into the perfect solider again, but he couldn’t do it. That little voice he had for so long ignored finally became something he listened to. “You matter Dean.”

“In what way? As your son or just something that can be used to get closer to yellow eyes?”

Once again he couldn’t answer Dean and he knew that his delayed answer was giving Dean all the answer he needed.

Stepping away from his dad, he walked over to the lounge door and opened it. There was nothing he wanted to hear from his dad. There were no more demands or lies that needed to be said. Looking at his dad he found himself staring at a man who was just a man. “I want you to do one thing for me.”

“What do you want?”

“When you finally decide to see Sam again, what happened here doesn’t get mentioned. You don’t get to use this conversation as leverage.”

Pleased that Dean had finally come out with something he could agree with he said, “Agreed.”


Current Mood: busybusy
Current Music: Rock 'n' Roll Dream
inanna_maat: Jen dragoninanna_maat on June 26th, 2010 10:27 pm (UTC)
wow!!!! I "almost" forgot this fic... it´s amazing and sad... I HATE John, by the way xD...
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on September 7th, 2012 12:52 am (UTC)
I have currently two version of the next chapter already done ( i just have to type them up), one is sam and dean staying together. the other has Sam going after john. at the moment I am leaning towards the not so happy chapter
gemini72augemini72au on June 27th, 2010 02:06 am (UTC)
WOW! It's great to see this story being updated.
(Deleted comment)
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on September 7th, 2012 12:53 am (UTC)
I've recently got back into writing after a break. This will be the first story i finish
deezy_ydeezy_y on September 6th, 2010 07:00 pm (UTC)
Poor Dean...man his life is a f**cked up mess. I hope that after this Dean has finally written John off for good.
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on September 7th, 2012 12:54 am (UTC)
He may do, but John is still his dad and that is one thing that john will use to his advantage
ilerreilerre on December 10th, 2010 11:52 pm (UTC)
I hope you'lll update this story!! ♥
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on September 7th, 2012 12:56 am (UTC)
already typed the next chapter, but I have done two different versions. As for John will it be better for him to suffer or to live expecting the retribution
ilerreilerre on December 10th, 2010 11:53 pm (UTC)
And make John pay ^^
ellyk29ellyk29 on January 29th, 2011 12:48 am (UTC)
Really enjoy this story... will you be updating Hate Me?
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on September 7th, 2012 12:57 am (UTC)
Yes I had a break from writing for health reasons. The next chapter is already done and should be up within the next week and a half
yaqerule on April 15th, 2011 10:41 pm (UTC)
Very intereresting reading. thx

avirt75avirt75 on January 7th, 2012 08:48 pm (UTC)
Hi, I just wanted to say that I am really enjoying this fic and hope there will be more of it.
claudia_lexan: pic#77186678claudia_lexan on September 7th, 2012 01:01 am (UTC)
thank you, the next chapter will be posted in a week and a half. after comments I have received on my grammar, which I will keep a closer eye on I didn't think the chapter was good. Harsh reviews and general flaming gave me writers block for a while