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02 June 2009 @ 10:22 am
 

Author: [info]claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 4,244
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes: Au, univerise. The title of this story is from the Blue October song - Hate Me. finally posting another part, after re-writing this chapter several times.
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: what if Dean was the little brother. Sam still went away to college but he left his little brother with his dad figuring, foolishly, that he could trust his old man to take care of him.


 

Bobby got up from his seat, took his cell phone from a nearby table and flipped it open.  Keeping an eye on Dean, he quickly hit speed dial button 1.  As soon as he heard ringing, he gave the phone to the younger man and said, “Talk to Sam, let him know you’re okay.”

 

 

Dean listened to the ringing cell phone as he watched Bobby walk back into the house.  He got up from his seat and began to walk down the porch steps.  He was just ten feet from the porch when the ringing stopped and he heard Sam’s voice.

 

 

Dean, where are you?”  Sam demanded worry coming though with every word he spoke.  For the past five hours, he had been frantic with worry about Dean’s safety and well-being.

 

 

“Bobby’s.”

 

 

Touching his nose briefly, he was thankful that Dean had done nothing more than bruise it and cause a bad nose bleed.  “I’m a ten minute walk away from Bobby’s.  Stay where you are.  We have to talk about the kiss.”

 

 

“You don’t have to come here.  Everything is okay between us.”  He knew that he trusted Sam, but that talk wasn’t something he wanted to do right now. 

 

 

Sam was thankful that to all outward appearances, he looked like a trustworthy, harmless guy.  It had made hitch hiking to Bobby’s easy.  People stopped for him because he reminded them of a relative.  “No, it isn’t Dean.  We need to talk and I’m not going to let you run from it.”

 

 

“Fine,” Dean muttered.  He could hear from the sounds Sam made as he walked that he didn’t have ten minutes to prepare himself for that talk.  He closed the cell phone and put it in his pocket.  He then waited for Sam to appear.

 

 

He didn’t have to wait long.

 

 

Dean, we need to talk.”  Just three feet separated him from Dean but it felt like miles.

 

 

Staring back at Sam, he calmly replied.  “Talk.”

 

 

One-worded answers usually meant that Dean was on edge or preparing himself against an attack.  This wasn’t going to be an easy conversation but he wasn’t going to ignore the kiss.  He wouldn’t tell Dean a lie just so they could resume there role as brothers.  “I’m not going to apologize for the kiss.  I meant it.  I should have been a little more careful about how it happened, but I don’t regret it.  I love you Dean.  I can’t go back to being your brother.”

 

 

“You can’t love me.”

 

 

“How can I not love someone who makes me smile?  I love you Dean.  There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

 

 

“Don’t ask me to love you that way.  I’m your brother. That is all I can be.”

 

 

“Why are you so resistant to a relationship with me?  What is it that makes me such bad boyfriend material?”

 

 

“I want an older brother.  I don’t need a partner who will take…”

 

 

“Advantage of you,” Sam said completing Dean’s sentence.  “I would never take advantage of you.”

 

 

“For six years there was no contact between us.  We have been hunting together for two months.  How can that be enough for you to see me as a lover?  You don’t know me that well.”

 

 

“When you told me what dad had done to you I knew we had that trust between us again.  I know all I want to know about you.”

 

 

Snorting in disbelief Dean said.  “One conversation about dad isn’t enough to know you love me like that.  You don’t know who I am.  You have this picture of who I am but it’s not the truth.  You want to believe that dad’s abuse affected me, but it did, but I am not a scared little boy.  I don’t want a relationship with you Sam.  I’m not going to be the person you use to scratch that itch.”

 

 

“I would never use you like that.”

 

 

“Bullshit. What do you know about me Sam?”

 

 

“I know you are a kind-hearted, caring person who puts others needs before his own.  You instinctively knew how to connect with Lucas.  You helped him to come to terms with his dad’s death.  Despite everything that has happened, you show warmth and compassion towards people.”

 

 

“I’m not that person.  Sure I help people, but it’s for my own selfish needs.”

 

 

“Don’t do this to me Dean.  Don’t stand in front of me and lie.  You help people because you like the satisfaction of knowing you were the one to bring peace to their lives.  You have helped hundreds of people realize that those things they have seen or heard and can’t explain are real.”

 

 

“You make me sound like some kind of white knight.  This is not a fairytale. Our problems cannot be solved with a few words.  What I get from this life is all for me.”

 

 

Sam began to pace back and forth trying to work out some of the frustration he felt in each step he took.  Dean couldn’t take a compliment.  Each one he had made was rebuffed.  Their dad had left Dean with such low self-esteem.  Stopping his pacing he turned to Dean and asked, “Offering yourself up as bait so the campers could escape the wendigo was selfish?”

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

“Maybe I’m not remembering it right, but how exactly were your actions selfish.”

 

 

“I wanted to be the one who saved the day.  I wanted that adulation from those camp survivors.  I wanted at least one person to show me a little gratitude for a job well done.”  As soon as those words had left his mouth, he knew he had said too much.

 

 

 

Taking a step closer to Dean, Sam said, “He isn’t here Dean.  You don’t have to be perfect.  You don’t need to find a way to avoid uncomfortable situations.  I’m not going to ask you to do something you won’t like.  I’m your older brother and I would like to be your partner.  I’m not going to force you into anything.  I’m not like him.”

 

 

Feeling uncomfortable with the way Sam was standing so close to him, he took a few steps backwards.  “You are like dad in so many ways.  When you get angry with me you act in the same way he did.”

 

 

“I have never hit you.  I don’t abuse you in any form.  How can you compare me to that man?”

 

 

“You order me about like I’m some kind of lapdog.  One minute you are the brother I remember and the next you want to be my partner.  You have said things to me that … make me revert to old habits of cleaning weapons more than necessary.”

 

 

“If I have hurt you in any way I am sorry.   I know that I have a temper.  It’s one of the things I share with dad.  I wish I could change that.  I would never intentionally hurt you.”

 

 

“We can’t be partners in anything other than hunting.  I told Bobby that I trust you but that doesn’t mean we can have that relationship you want.”

 

 

“Why not?”

 

 

Although they were just two short simple word, it was a loaded question.  It would be a lie to say he couldn’t see himself as Sam’s partner.  He did love Sam and that scared him.  Most of the people he had loved and trusted always left him.  Despite Bobby’s reassurance that Sam would never leave him, he couldn’t really believe it.  “When we find dad and kill the YED what are your plans for the future?  I know that you and Bobby are not going to welcome him back into the fold with open arms.  Once this conversation is over you will most probably get together with Bobby and plan some kind of fucked up revenge.  That revenge would only ease the guilt you both feel.  I don’t need to be protected or have vengeance performed on my behalf.  You will always want to do those things for me and I can’t live like that.”

 

 

“It’s perfectly natural for a partner, brother or uncle to be protective.  That isn’t a reason to dismiss any chance of a relationship we could have.  Tell me why you can’t see us being in a relationship.”

 

 

He walked away from Sam just to put some space between the two of them.  He wanted a cigarette or something to hold in his hands.  He needed a small distraction; something to ease his mind and keep his thoughts at a slower pace.  Licking his lips, he raised his head to look up at Sam. “How long will you stay with me.”

 

 

“I’m not going to leave you.  We are hunting together and I don’t want that to change.”

 

 

“Why would you stay?”

 

 

For two minutes, all he could do was stare at Dean.  He knew that his reply should have been instantaneous and without hesitation, but he was too shocked to speak.  How could Dean believe that he would leave after everything he had said?  Before he could reply, Dean spoke first.

 

 

“The fact you still haven’t answered my question proves you are going to leave.  I’m not going to put up with that, so go back to that apartment and resume your normal life.”

 

 

“Fuck Dean just how many times do I have to tell you I won’t leave?  I like hunting with you again.  Getting to know you again has been great.  I’m not going to risk losing all of that again.  I want to be with you.”

 

 

“You like hunting with me.  You want to be with me.  Do I look like some chick that needs to be comforted?  With the words you are using you would think I’m a kid who doesn’t understand big words.  Go back to that life you have.”

 

 

Taking several calming breaths, he knew that Dean was attempting everything possible to get him to leave.  He wasn’t going to prove Dean’s warped viewpoint that everyone left him.  Keeping his voice calm he said, “Dean you don’t need to push me away I’m not going to abuse your trust.  Nothing you can say to me will get me to leave.  I love you Dean.”

 

 

“How can you put up with me?  I... I have these nightmares where I am reliving memories of certain events.  When I wake up my throat is sore because I have been screaming.  I hate anyone who attempts to take control from me.  I have trust issues. How can you love that?  How can you want to be with me?”

 

 

“I love you Dean. It doesn’t matter about the nightmares.  I will help you work though them.”

 

 

Biting his lower lip, he made an effort to stop the tears from falling.  He didn’t want to get emotional in front of Sam.  He didn’t want to be seen as weak.  “You can’t help me.”

 

 

Sam took several steps closer to Dean, reached out with his hand and gently touched him on the arm.  When that small touch wasn’t shrugged off, he pulled Dean into a hug.

 

 

When Sam pulled him into a hug, his first reaction was to struggle.  He placed his hands on Sam’s chest in an attempt to get free.  It only made Sam hug him tighter.  Beginning to feel trapped and unable to stop the rising panic, he stamped on Sam’s foot.  He had not used that action since he was a young child.  When even that failed in his attempts to get free, he finally gave in and let Sam hug him.

 

 

Once Dean had had stopped struggling and relaxed, Sam loosened his hold slightly.  He only felt the smallest amount of guilt for holding Dean in a way that caused panic.

 

 

“I know that there will never be enough words I can say that will reassure I won’t leave.  I know that you trust me, but there will always be times when that trust isn’t 100 percent.  I love you Dean and there is nothing you can do that will change how I feel.”

 

 

Finally wrapping his arms around Sam’s waist, he whispered, “Promise?”

 

 

“I promise.”

 

 




 

 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
 
idiot4deanidiot4dean on June 2nd, 2009 11:46 am (UTC)
AH! Dean's insecurities have really messed him up, glad first Bobby and then Sam have called him on it and things are moving forward.

Great chapter.
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on June 3rd, 2009 09:14 am (UTC)
Yeah, I wanted this chapter to convey that the abuse he suffered has had some effect on him. I didn't want to gloss over it and have him jump into a relationship with Sam, it wouldn't have been realistic.
AbbySN_24lover: SPNbabyfeetsn_24lover on June 2nd, 2009 02:12 pm (UTC)
Poor Dean. Sammy has his work cut out for him. And I hope both Bobby and Sam take care of John slow and painfully. Again glad to see an update on this. :)
claudia_lexan: pic#52081924claudia_lexan on June 3rd, 2009 09:16 am (UTC)
I want John to suffer as well, but both Bobby and Sam know that if they do anything it will have to be without Dean's knowledge. The next chapter will have John in it, but I was thinking of putting him in Sam's place in the asylum episode
hunters_retreathunters_retreat on June 2nd, 2009 09:16 pm (UTC)
OMG! YEAH! I'm so glad to see you back! *Snuggles*

And with such a great chapter! OH! I love how Dean is trying to push Sam away. Love that he realizes he could do it with Bobby too but doesn't want to. Love how Bobby and Sam both want to protect Dean but he doesn't want them to. Love how even with the change of ages and lives that the characters are still themselves. Love this to pieces!
claudia_lexan: pic#53874028claudia_lexan on June 3rd, 2009 09:18 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. I was really unsure about whether this chapter would work out. I wanted to get across that Dean has his insecurities, but he doesn't want help in fixing them
quarter mile, bunch of horses & some gasolinecalijirl5150 on June 2nd, 2009 10:40 pm (UTC)
Oh I was so glad to see an update of this fic - ran back & re-read from the beginning :D Just want to pet Dean & Smack Sam upside the head, love Bobby to death here. Though I do understand why Sammy loves Dean - he is awesome !! Can;t wait for more.
claudia_lexan: pic#57602812claudia_lexan on June 3rd, 2009 09:19 am (UTC)
Thank you. I'm glad that this chapter is being well received by people. I thought by the tenth re-write it may have sucked a little
Moonstone: headackmoonstone1220 on June 3rd, 2009 04:07 am (UTC)
Oh poor Dean!
claudia_lexan: pic#57602872claudia_lexan on June 3rd, 2009 09:19 am (UTC)
Dean is only going to suffer a little more. He does after all have to confront John.
cassopeiacassopeia on June 8th, 2009 06:36 pm (UTC)
Awesome chapter! I'm so happy that your muse came back! *hug*
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on June 9th, 2009 10:12 am (UTC)
Yep, the muse is now making up for lost time. Except now the plot bunnies are attacking and there numbers are increasing at an incredible rate.
cassopeiacassopeia on June 9th, 2009 04:07 pm (UTC)
Evil evil plot bunnies ! ;D
ymmy12: sadymmy12 on June 9th, 2009 07:08 pm (UTC)
great chapter
poor dean so scarred
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on August 17th, 2009 06:00 pm (UTC)
I am struggling to write the next chapter. I have written at least two versions of the next chapter, but I have scrapped them as I wasn't satisfied with the finished result. I'm now working on the third version of the next chapter, but it's a little bit dark. I am trying to write a happier chapter, but with John making an appearance that isn't going to happen.
(Deleted comment)
claudia_lexan: pic#77186687claudia_lexan on December 13th, 2009 09:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you. It was originally an answer to a challenge on the sam/dean slash archive. I am currently writing the next chapter to this fic. It's the confrontation between John and Dean. It's hard going as I don't want it to be to sappy, but at the same time I want it to be emotion al. I do know that it will be another long chapter.
Annie: Hit the Booksktrisha on February 9th, 2010 01:55 am (UTC)
Wonderful story. Cannot wait for the update, Dean needs closer and I want Bobby to go all Wendingo on John....