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31 October 2008 @ 03:26 pm
Author: [info]claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 5,829
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes: Au, univerise. The title of this story is from the Blue October song - Hate Me. Very short first part as livejournal wouldn't let me post this chapter in one go.  The chapter will have to be posted in three parts
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: what if Dean was the little brother. Sam still went away to college but he left his little brother with his dad figuring, foolishly, that he could trust his old man to take care of him.

Hate Me - Part One
Hate Me - Part Two
Hate Me - Part Three
Hate Me - Part Four


With a calm steady voice, Dean said, “He let me have a beer.  Like a fucking idiot, I drank the whole thing without questioning why a man I hardly knew would be willing to give a 14 year old a beer.   It wasn’t until I finished drinking the beer that I felt tired.  The next thing I can remember after that is waking up in the man’s bed.  I was fully clothed, but I knew that something bad had happened.  I felt sore in places that I never had before.”


“He raped you?” Sam asked softly, silently adding that he was going to hunt the man down and kill him.


An unintentional bitter laugh escaped his lips.  Still looking at the same uninteresting spot on the floor he replied, “It’s not really rape if I can’t remember anything.  I just remember being sore.  I couldn’t sit down for a few days without wincing.  That isn’t rape.”


Dean, it doesn’t matter if you can’t remember anything.  The fact remains that a grown man, who should have known better, took advantage of you.  You can’t dismiss the rape because you can’t remember it,” Sam said.


“I tell myself that it didn’t happen because it’s easier.  I told you with a straight face that I was still a virgin at 15, but it was a lie.”  Dean said


“You can lie.”  Sam said


Smiling, but feeling no joy Dean said.  “Yeah I know I can, but it’s never going to change the facts.”


“Did you tell dad about it?”  Sam asked.  He didn’t want to mention the word rape more than was necessary.  He didn’t want to constantly remind himself of just how badly he had failed his brother.


“I told dad what happened as soon as we were hundreds of miles away from the man.  Dad turned the car back around, drove all the way back to the man’s house, and confronted him.  Dad chose to believe his friend when he was told I had been acting up the entire week I was there.  Dad made me apologize to the man.  After that I never told dad anything that wasn’t related to a hunt,” Dean said.


Sam wanted to reach out and touch Dean, but he had a feeling that wouldn’t be welcome.  Talking a breath he asked, “When did dad … begin to abuse you?”


“After I told dad what his friend had done to me he began to look at me differently.  When he ordered me to do extra drills he would have this weird look in his eyes.  His drinking after a job gradually began to get worse.  Four months after that incident, while he was drunk, dad … kissed me.  For a moment I was frozen and then I hit him.”


Silently repeating the words “I want to kill dad,” Sam tried and failed to keep the anger from his voice when he asked, “How did dad react?”


“He broke my nose,” Dean casually replied.


“Please tell me that he took you to the hospital.”


“Dad threw the Impala’s keys at me and told me I could drive myself to the nearest free clinic.  The doctors didn’t believe the story I gave them about getting into a fight with another kid.  When the doctors mentioned social services and the police, I threatened to walk.  So they fixed my broken nose and as soon as I was left alone, I walked out of the clinic.  I knew that they had called the police and I wasn’t going to wait for them to arrive.”


“He apologize?” Sam asked.  There was no way he was going to call John Winchester dad now.


“You do realize that our dad has never said sorry for anything.  Even if he had told me he was sorry, what possible good could have been gained from it?  Dad wouldn’t have meant it.”


“When did he become so casual about being abusive to you?”  Sam asked.  He was now damn sure that he could convince Bobby to help him kill John.  There had to be a few supernatural creatures that held a grudge against John.


“He was never causal,” Dean said.


“When did it escalate?” Sam asked.


What Dean wanted right now was a hot coffee and something to eat.  He wasn’t going to get a hot shower.  He really wasn’t going to get any of what he wanted until the conversation with Sam had finished.  Scrubbing a hand across his face, Dean said, “Looking back I can see that it was a gradual thing.  It started with a few rods, progressed to a broken nose and ended with …”


“Ended with what?”  Sam prompted.


Looking Sam in the eye for the first time since the conversation had begun, he very calmly said, “It ended with sex.”


Silently counting to ten in an effort to calm his rage, Sam knew he had failed when he could only think about killing John.  John’s death was going to be extremely painful and long lasting.  He would make the man suffer.  Knowing that reacting in anger to what Dean had told him wouldn’t be good, he very calmly said, “It wasn’t sex Dean.  Sex is something that happens between two consenting adults.  Sex is an act of love.  What dad did to you was nothing more than rape.”


Eyes red with tears that he refused to let fall, Dean quietly said, “I just laid there on the motel bed.  I didn’t move and I didn’t scream out for help.  I just let him fuck me.  He touched me all over and kept calling me Mary.  When he was finished, he just got off me, got dressed, and went out.  I remember sitting in the shower, just letting the water run over me.    The water was scalding hot, but I didn’t feel it.  I just wanted to be clean, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get that clean feeling back.  What he did invaded every part of me.  I still feel dirty to the very depths of my soul.”


“Why,” Sam paused for breath, licking his lips before continuing, “are we looking for him then?”


“We need him. He can help us with the yellow eyed demon,” Dean said.


“Bullshit. We don’t the man’s help with the YED.  We are hunters in our own right.  There is nothing we can’t do better than that man.  Why would you want him near you again?  He is far better of staying gone,” Sam said angrily.


“He is our dad," was Dean’s simple reply.


“All that man is to us is someone who gave us half of our DNA.  We may all have the Winchester surname, but that doesn’t make him our dad.  He gave up that right the minute he treated you as less than his son.  He should be in jail.  The man should be made to suffer.  We should just let him be.”


“I can’t do that,” Dean said.


“Why not?  Why does that man deserve another chance with you?”  Sam asked.


“I … I need to know what I did wrong.  I want to know what’s so wrong with me that he could the things he did to me,” Dean admitted softly.


“I’m not letting you go anywhere near that man.  If you really need to find dad, we will do it together every step of the way.”  Sam said.


“He doesn’t remember.”  Idly waving his hand in front of him in an attempt to describe something that had been extremely painful he said “the sex.  I never told him what he did.”


Narrowing his eyes slightly at Dean’s words, Sam asked, “How can you not tell him?  Why would you keep it a secret?”


“It was hard enough dealing with dad’s half assed apologies and guilty attempts to make me feel better.  I didn’t want him to start avoiding me because of something he had done to me, but couldn’t remember.”


“He raped you Dean.  He took something that he had no right to.  He failed to protect you.  That man does not deserve to be called dad,” Sam snapped.


“You don’t really get it, do you Sam?  Dad has done things to me that if it was anyone else I could cheerfully kill.  The thing is the man who did nasty things to me is my dad.  I should hate him for what he has done to me, but I don’t.  I just need to know why.”


Sam couldn’t understand how Dean could have the attitude he did towards John, but he wasn’t going to let Dean do anything alone.  With a reassuring smile, Sam said, “We will continue to look for dad together.  When we find him, you can find out what you want to know.” 


“There's a but to those words,” Dean said.


“After that you need to let the man go.  You have to walk away from him Dean,” Sam said.  He wasn’t going to let Dean be taken in by anything John had to say.  He may have failed to protect Dean in the past, but he wasn’t going to fail again.


“It’s not that easy,” Dean admitted.


“I know it’s not, but you can’t keep waiting for him to be the dad you want.  He is never going to be like that.  You should walk away before he takes anything else away from you.  You’re not going to be alone this time.  I won’t let him take anything else from you,” Sam said determinedly.


For the first time since Sam had rejoined him on the hunt, he felt as if he had his big brother back.  It felt good.  With a smile he asked, “Are you going to protect me Sammy?”


“I’m you big brother. It’s in the job description.”

Current Mood: busybusy
marie72marie72 on October 31st, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC)
love this...can't wait for the slash...
claudia_lexan: pic#57602945claudia_lexan on November 1st, 2008 09:33 am (UTC)
The slash will be making an appearence, but I didn't want to rush it. I figure the slow going route would be better
Leejensenlicious on October 31st, 2008 07:16 pm (UTC)
join must diiie!!!!! i reaaly want sam to get john
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on November 1st, 2008 09:35 am (UTC)
Letting Sam get his hands on John would be very bad. It's not something he should do on his own. For that reason alone, two people will make John realize the error of his ways.
serendip50serendip50 on October 31st, 2008 08:07 pm (UTC)
"Are you going to protect me Sammy?"

"I'm your big brother. It's in the job description." Great role reversal. So sweet.

Dearest Dean,
You are such a sweetheart, who could resist to look after you.
Love from me xx

claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on November 1st, 2008 09:37 am (UTC)
All you want to do to Dean now is cuddle him and hunt down John. There will more about the relationship as brothers, but a plan in the next chapter is going to be formed to get back at John. A plan that Dean will know nothing about
serendip50serendip50 on November 2nd, 2008 12:32 am (UTC)
Hey there. That plan to get back at John, presumably, hatched by Sam and Bobby, sounds intriguing. So glad Dean is not involved. Makes for more angst, tension, and arguments between the boys which in turn leads to' make up' time which in turn leads to other more interesting pursuits.LOL
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on November 2nd, 2008 11:43 am (UTC)
Lets just say that John isn''t a person who is well liked by other hunters. No one will miss him. what would happen if Dean found out Sam did something to their dad. He wouldn't be happy.
heathfanheathfan on October 31st, 2008 08:46 pm (UTC)
great chapter!!

poor Dean. But I'm glad that him and Sam are begining to work things out.

update again soon =)
claudia_lexan: pic#57603072claudia_lexan on November 1st, 2008 09:37 am (UTC)
Currently writing the next chapter. Hopefully it should be up in a couple of weeks
AbbySN_24lover: Sammy serioussn_24lover on October 31st, 2008 10:13 pm (UTC)
WOW. Thank God Sammy is now there to protect him, even thought I am still pissed that he left him alone for 6 years. Sammy has some making up to do, but him killing John would be a nice start. And you cannot tell me that John is clueless about this whole thing.
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on November 1st, 2008 09:39 am (UTC)
Sam killing John would just bnegin to lead him down the wrong path. Despite all that has happened I don't believe Dean would forgive him. As for John well that man is a little too focused on the hunt.
clover_25clover_25 on November 1st, 2008 04:22 pm (UTC)
“Are you going to protect me Sammy?
“I’m you big brother. It’s in the job description.”
Thats like the best line in the fic up till now... It's soooooooo sweet!!!!!!!!
OHhh!!!! and sudenly John and a painfully-slow-lasting-for-days-death sounds good in the same sentence.
claudia_lexan: pic#53874028claudia_lexan on November 1st, 2008 05:15 pm (UTC)
I don't usually write sweet things in the story's I write, but this was such a angst filled and a hard chapter to write. A little bit of sweetness was a good thing. As for John, well that man will get what's coming to him. I was thinking of involving him in the home episode.

Can you imagine what Mary's spirit would do to him for hurting her baby.
(Deleted comment)
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on November 2nd, 2008 11:40 am (UTC)
Hopefully the next update won't be as long, but another bunnie has gone and escaped. I'm just about to go and hunt the bugger down
idiot4deanidiot4dean on November 28th, 2008 08:37 am (UTC)
This is good and I'm waiting for more.
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on November 29th, 2008 09:33 am (UTC)
due to work (I work for amazon), I haven't had a lot of time to write at the moment. Hopefully I will be posting a new chapter of this story by christmas. It's a little later than I would have liked, but I just haven't had a lot of time.
batina35batina35 on February 14th, 2009 11:52 am (UTC)
I know you updated Tangled. Are you going to be updating this one any time soon?
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on February 14th, 2009 01:29 pm (UTC)
This story will be updated, but it won't be for another two to three weeks. My muse was refusing to work on this story and it's only now just returned. I can tell you that the story will eventually turn into slash, and Dean will confront his father.
heathfanheathfan on May 30th, 2009 12:20 am (UTC)
I hope you continue this. I really, really love this story!
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on May 30th, 2009 04:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you, I have had a huge case of writers block on the story. I have finally written the sixth chapter, but it's another long one. I'm halfway though typing it up. Once it has been to my beta I'll post it. Which should be within a week
heathfanheathfan on May 31st, 2009 04:58 am (UTC)
Yayy!! I can't wait!
Annie: Ryanktrisha on November 20th, 2009 12:16 am (UTC)
I want to kick John Winchester's __ __ __ from here to the moon.

Well written story.....Your writing of Dean was beautiful and heart wrenching.
claudia_lexan: pic#77186678claudia_lexan on November 21st, 2009 12:15 pm (UTC)
It's been hard writing this story, as I was never sure if I got the emotion over in the way it should be. I didn't want to make Dean to emotional as it would have been out of character and I think I have been successful with that