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31 October 2008 @ 03:19 pm
Author: [info]claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 5,829
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes: Au, univerise. The title of this story is from the Blue October song - Hate Me. Very short first part as livejournal wouldn't let me post this chapter in one go.  The chapter will have to be posted in three parts
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: what if Dean was the little brother. Sam still went away to college but he left his little brother with his dad figuring, foolishly, that he could trust his old man to take care of him.

Hate Me - Part One
Hate Me - Part Two
Hate Me - Part Three
Hate Me - Part Four


“Do that to me again and I will leave you here,” Dean snapped.


“One of dad’s lessons is that you never leave a man behind,” Sam replied smugly.


“It’s not a lesson you ever learned Sam.  If you interrupt me again while I am talking to someone on the phone, I will leave you in whatever place we happen to be in.”


Using his left hand, Sam scrubbed his forehead in an attempt to prevent a headache from forming.  Dealing with Dean in his current mood wasn’t at the top of his to do list, but he couldn’t keep living this way.  There was far too much tension between them.  That had to change.  Removing his hand from his forehead, he pointed to the motel room and said, “Get back to the motel room.  I don’t want to hear any arguments.  We are having a long overdue conversation about you and dad.  I don’t want to hear any lies or half-truths.  I just want you to be honest with me.”


Quirking an eyebrow, Dean could feel the trusted weight of his blade against his back.  It would take just one small movement to take the blade out and place it against Sam’s neck.  He knew that it was in him to take that action against Sam, but he wasn’t that full of hatred.  Without uttering a single word in agreement, he reached out, took his cell phone back from Sam, and walked into the motel room.


Just from Dean’s body language alone, Sam knew that the next few hours were going to be hard.  He could no longer afford to be over protective or controlling.  He had to hold back on his temper and just talk to Dean as a big brother.  Walking behind Dean, he entered the motel room just a few seconds after his brother.  He gestured for Dean to sit on the bed and he was surprised when he did.  Quietly he closed the door.  He pulled a nearby chair from the kitchen table, placed it in front of Dean, and sat down.


“Tell me what dad was like after I left,” Sam asked.  He knew that was a loaded question, but it was the most neutral question he could think of.


“Okay,” Dean replied.


Mentally counting to ten, Sam knew that Dean’s one worded answer was just an avoidance tactic.  It could also be a way to push his buttons.  With a voice that was calmer than he actually felt, he said, “Why don’t you ask me a question and I will give you a truthful answer.  Then I can do the same to you.”


“What was college life like?”  Dean asked.  He wasn’t going to be the one who mentioned their dad.


“It wasn’t everything I expected it to be.  I knew there would be a lot of hard work and stressful times. I expected that.  What I didn’t expect was the loneliness.  I was surrounded by people my own age and that normal life I had always wanted didn’t feel right.  I couldn’t relate to them and I was always waiting for the supernatural to make itself known,” Sam admitted.


“What made you stay?”  Dean asked.


“Despite it being lonely and hard, I didn’t feel that way for very long.  I gradually learned to unwind and stop looking for danger where there wasn’t any.” 


Dean knew that Sam was trying to relate to him, but it wasn’t working.  The problems Sam had settling into college life didn’t come close to what he had been though.  “Why did you never contact me?”


Sam didn’t know how to answer that question any better than he had already done.  Instead, he took another route in the conversation and said “Tell me about dad.”


“What do you want to know?”  Dean asked


“The first hunt you and dad did together after I left.”  


“After two months of staying in one town, we were both a bit restless and we began to snap at each other.  Dad found this job in a small town called MadlenWaters. It was hundreds of miles away from Stanford.  The hunt turned out to be nothing more than a simple salt and burn.” 


“What happened after that first hunt?”  Sam asked.  He knew from past experiences that a simple hunt had never been enough to satisfy their dad.


The first few days after the hunt had been filled with intense training sessions.  He had often gone to bed during those days aching all over and feeling worse in the morning.  Looking Sam in the eye and without a hint of emotion, he said, “Training sessions.”


“Did our dad ever treat you like a normal teenager?”


Silently laughing, he couldn’t believe that Sam would ask such a stupid question with a straight face.  Their lives hadn’t been normal since the moment a demon had killed their mom.  Normal for the Winchesters was a life filled with the supernatural.   “How did you explain the lack of family to your college friends?”  Dean asked.


Sam wanted to demand that Dean answer his question, but this was a conversation he wanted to happen.  It wasn’t something he was going to bring to a premature end because he was being too controlling.  “People never really asked.”


“Bullshit,” Dean snapped, assessing Sam’s words for the lie they were.


“Only one person asked me about family while I was at college and that was Jessica.  I told her that I had an argument with my family and we were no longer talking.  Jessica must have told our friends that family wasn’t something they should ask me about.” 

“You were ashamed of being a Winchester. That’s why you ignored your own family for six years.  It wasn’t because you found it easier not to contact us as time passed.  It was just shame,” Dean said.  The emotions that he had been attempting to keep under control while talking to Sam were now beginning to show.


Swallowing back the almost instinctive swear words, Sam replied.  “I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I am proud to be a Winchester.”


“If that is true, why haven’t you been able to look at me without looking like your ashamed?  I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking.  What did I do for you to see me as a figure of shame?”  Dean demanded.


“I’m not ashamed of you Dean.  I never have been.  The way I have been looking at you is just concern.  You have so many secrets Dean.  There is just so much I don’t know about you.  You react differently to certain things on a hunt.  When I’ve put an arm around you or any one touches you, you flinch. Tell me what dad did to you.”  Sam had planned to continue the conversation on a far safer and comfortable subject, but he wanted to know what had changed his brother so much.


“Why do you have to know the details?  It’s not going to change what happened,” Dean said.


“I look at you and see the shell of the brother I grew up with.  I want to bring that person back,” Sam admitted.


“I have already told you that I was never going to be the same.  I was fourteen years old when you left and after six years, I was going to change.  I’m never going to be the brother you want.” 


“I just want to see that part of you that isn’t so distrustful of everyone’s motives.  I just want to know that what happened in the six years I wasn’t there to protect you hasn’t taken away all of the happiness you used to have,” Sam said.


Shaking his head slightly at Sam’s long overdue and unwanted big brother act, he said, “You don’t need to know what dad did.”


“Tell me Dean,” Sam said, his tone of voice a bit more forceful than he would have liked.


“Who’s Jessica? Was she a friend or a lover?”  Dean asked instead.


“Does it really matter?” 


“If you want me to share a part of my life that’s painful for so many different reasons, I want you to tell me about Jessica.”


“She was a friend I met in the college library searching for a book.  We bumped into each other while reaching for the same book.  We went for a coffee and found out we had some common interests.  Our friendships stayed as a friendship.  We were both too much like each other for it to be anything else,” Sam said.  He and Jessica did have a relationship, but that had only lasted for a few weeks. 


“You said she was your friend. What happened to her?”  Dean asked.


Realizing that Dean believed Jessica was dead due to his use of the wrong word, he replied, “Jess is fine. At the moment she is backpacking across Australia.  Now that I’ve told you about Jessica, tell me about dad.”


“Ask me a question.”


“When did the abuse begin?”  Sam gently asked.


Suddenly finding an interesting spot on the floor, Dean replied.  “It’s not really abuse.  It was just an argument that got out of hand.  We were celebrating a hunt that had gone well.  Dad was drinking beer and he even let me have one.  The argument began after dad had finished drinking his tenth beer and he took a disliking to something I said.  He said a few things that were fucking hurtful and ten minutes later, he fell asleep on the motel room’s floor.  The next morning when he asked me what he had done the previous night, I told him the truth.  That was a mistake I never repeated.”


“Why was it a mistake?”  Sam asked.  He knew that this was only the beginning of Dean’s history of abuse.  He knew by the end of it he would want their dad to die in the most painful way possible.


“For the next few weeks after that morning, every time he got drunk he would throw back what I had told him in my face.  I quickly learned that it was just easier to lie.” 


“When did the abuse begin to get worse?”  Sam asked.  The hatred he had for their father was beginning to turn into something far worse.  Hatred was something he could slowly get over with time.  What he now felt for his dad was going to be something that he never got over.


“Two days before my 15th birthday. Dad left me with an old army buddie and fellow hunter for a week.  During that week … whatever innocence I may have had left was crushed.”  Dean said.  He knew that Sam would ask him what had happened during that week, but he needed a few seconds to gather his thoughts.


“What was this hunter like?”  Sam asked.  He had wanted to ask Dean about the abuse he had a horrible feeling happened during that week.


For a few seconds, Dean tried to find the words that would describe the man he had come to hate.  A man that had made him realize that everyone had a hidden motive.  No one helped you out of kindness.  It was always a selfish reason.  Those were lesson he had learned during that week.  “He was a person that other hunters respected.  He was the type of person you could talk to about your life and not be judged.  He was the type of person people trusted without even knowing why.  What no one knew and what I found out was that he had a thing for teenaged boys.”


Licking his lips, as he found them to be far from dry, Sam asked, “What did he do?”

Part Three



Current Mood: busybusy
AbbySN_24lover: Sad Deansn_24lover on October 31st, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC)
OMG so it wasn't just John. Poor Dean. **sniff**
claudia_lexan: pic#77186678claudia_lexan on November 1st, 2008 09:32 am (UTC)
I didn't want the bad abuse just to be John. Putting Dean though the emotional wringer is easier than being nice.