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18 October 2008 @ 04:09 pm
Author: [info]claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 3,324
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes: Au, univerise. The title opf this story is from the Blue October song - Hate Me. Very short first part as livejournal wouldn't let me post this chapter in one go.
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: what if Dean was the little brother. Sam still went away to college but he left his little brother with his dad figuring, foolishly, that he could trust his old man to take care of him.

Hate Me - Part One

Hate Me - Part Two

Hate Me - Part Three

“Talking is what we are doing. Why are you so damn late Sam? You could have walked away from he receptionist at any time.”


“It would have been rude,” Sam said even though those words didn’t sound like the truth to his own ears.


“Being late for our meeting isn’t rude?” Dean calmly asked.


“It’s not the same thing Dean,” Sam explained.


“No it’s not. The receptionist is nothing more than a stranger. You’ll forget the conversation you had with her in a week. You’ll forget what she looked like in a couple of days. I’m family. You don’t forget family,” Dean said.


“I’m sorry. I’m here now we can go back inside, find a table, and talk.” Sam suggested.


Dean wanted to say that sorry wasn’t enough but he couldn’t find the words. He knew that any biting sarcastic remark he wanted to make couldn’t happen. This was a conversation that needed to happen, but it wasn’t going to be inside a bar. “So talk.”


“About what? I don’t even know were to begin,” Sam replied.


“Ask me anything you want,” Dean suggested.


“How long were you hunting alone before you came for me?” Sam asked.


“Three months.” Dean easily replied. Three months was the amount of time that he knew their dad had been missing. Before that he had hunted alone for two months with only the odd phone call from their dad.


“I didn’t ask how long dad had been missing I already knew that. How long have you been alone?” Sam asked.


“It’s not important. Tell me why you couldn’t speak to family for six years.” Dean asked, neatly changing the subject to what was a sore point for both of them.


“It was easier,” Sam replied. He could have given Dean a long explanation as to why he had gone six years without contacting his family, but what was the point? Explanation were not going to change what he had done


“Easier for who?” Dean demanded.


“Dad told me to never come back. I was so damn angry with him when I left and phoning home wouldn’t have helped. Dad and I exchanged some nasty words that neither of us could ever take back. I didn’t want to make that phone call and have a repeat of that conversation.”


“You took the easy way out. You couldn’t swallow your pride and make one damn phone call?” Dean asked.


“It just wasn’t that easy Dean. You have to understand that Dad and I just couldn’t make up with one phone call,” Sam said. He wanted Dean to understand that not contacting family was a hard thing for him to do.


“Did you forget that I had a cell phone? What excuse do you have for ignoring me for six years? I had nothing to do with the argument you had with dad,” Dean said as he felt around his jacket pocket for a half used pack of cigarettes. Once he found them he let out a sigh of relief. He needed a cigarette to release the tension building up in him.


“You would have given the phone to dad,” Sam replied. He knew that those words sounded petty, but they still had a ring of truth to them. Dean had never disobeyed their dad.


“A text would have been just as good as a phone call, but even that was too much for you. The argument you had with dad wasn’t an argument you had with me. I didn’t tell you to leave and never come back.”


“I’m sorry.” Sam said repeating the two words that now seemed to be a popular theme when talking to Dean.


“I’ve already told you that I’ve forgiven you for leaving. I could just never understand why I wasn’t important enough to you anymore,” Dean remarked as he took a cigarette from the half empty pack, held it to his lips, and lit it. Taking a long drag from his cigarette he said, “Tell me about college.”


Taking the cigarette from Dean, Sam asked. “When did you start smoking?”


“A few years ago. What have you been doing with your day?” Dean asked delaying the inevitable question he knew Sam wanted to ask. He wanted to continue the normalish conversation he was having with Sam.


“I've been looking at online GED courses. I figured that while we look for dad you could study for a GED. Once we have found dad and you’ve got that GED you could go to college,” Sam said.


Quelling his desire to hit Sam, he said in a voice that could have melted steel, “While doing this research did you for one minute think about what I wanted?”


“Dean, it’s for the best. You can’t be a hunter for the rest for your life. You need something to build the rest of your life upon,” Sam said.


“A hunter is who I am. It’s not just a job; it’s a way for life for me. Getting a GED and going to college is what you want for me. I get that you hate being a hunter because God knows you’ve dropped enough hints over the last two months. I’m not going to change who I am just because we are hunting together,” Dean said.


“How long do you think that enthusiasm for the hunt will last?” Sam asked.


Shaking his head in disappointment, Dean replied. “It’s not enthusiasm. Any enthusiasm I had for being a hunter died an agonising death when I had to kill a fellow hunter because a werewolf had bitten him. I stayed with him up until the full moon and when he began to change, I shot him. I watched the light in his eyes die out. I watched a man in the prime of his life die and despite that, I knew a hunter is what I want to be. I knew there was nothing else I could be.”


“How old were you when this happened?” Sam asked gently.


“15,” Dean replied.


“Where was dad when this was happening?” Sam asked, mentally cursing their dad for allowing Dean to kill a man. That sort of thing weighed heavily upon a person’s mind. It changed a person.


“He was on another hunt,” Dean said.


“He let you hunt alone?” Sam said surprised that their dad had given Dean such responsibility at just 15. He could remember pleading with his dad to go on a hunt at that age and being refused.


“Yeah,” Dean replied dropping to one word answers when he realized just how close Sam was to asking that question.


“It’s just not something dad would do. He was always so adamant about us not doing any solo hunts until we were at least 17,” Sam said.


“Things change,” Dean muttered as he took another cigarette out of the half empty pack. Holding the cigarette between his fingers he pierced Sam with a look that reduced many grown men to tears. “Maybe you just don’t know dad.”


“I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t let you go on a solo hunt at 15,” Sam snapped.


“Tell me something about dad.” Dean asked silently questioning Sam’s belief that he still knew their father.


“He used to rock you to sleep as a baby,” Sam said.


“Tell me something a little more recent. Tell me what happened the day dad came back home from a hunt drunk. Tell me what he did,” Dean demanded as he let the unlit cigarette drop to the ground.


“I can’t remember. I can’t remember seeing dad drunk,” Sam admitted and with those words he came to a heart stopping realization. Their dad had done something to Dean while drunk. With a voice that he was sure that was far steadier than it had any right to be he asked, “What did he do to you?”


“Nothing,” Dean said quickly, unable to look Sam in the eye for the fear that Sam would see that one word for the lie it was.


“Dean, don’t do this. Don’t close up on me. Just please be honest with me,” Sam pleaded.


“You don’t want me to be honest with you.”


“Dean, you don’t have to tell me anything of importance, just talk to me. I need to know if dad was … abusive,” Sam said. He needed to know if his mistake of leaving Dean with their dad was more of a disaster than he already thought. To achieve this, it didn’t matter if asked Dean to tell him one thing, but then asked for another.


“Define abusive,” Dean asked. He knew that he was treating Sam’s questions as little more than a joke, but he couldn’t be serious. He couldn’t open up about a part of his life that had been nothing but a misery.


“For one damn second tell me the truth. Don’t continue to treat this as a joke,” Sam said his voice taking on a hard edge.


Dean couldn’t help but flinch at the tone of Sam’s voice. It was the same tone that their dad would use just before he lost his temper. Out of a long ingrained habit, he backed away from Sam.


Noticing Dean’s sudden unease with him, he was instantly concerned. “Dean what’s wrong?” Sam asked careful to maintain his distance from Dean. From the way his brother was standing, there was a strong possibility he could bolt.


“Dad always talks to me using that tone of voice after he’s had a few drinks. I could never say more than a few words without it being used. I could just ask dad what he wanted for dinner and he’d tell me to fuck off. He used to swear at me, using words that could have peeled paint. He’d tell me things that fucking hurt, but he’d never remember in the morning when he was sober. Dad would ask me what he had done while drunk and I’d lie. I knew that if I told him the truth it would get thrown back at me when he was drunk again,” Dean admitted.


Cursing their dad and mentally thinking of the many ways he could kill him Sam asked, “What else has he done?”


“We had fun together sometimes and that made up for the rest of it,” Dean said.


“What did he do?” Sam asked keeping his tone of voice at a deliberately calm level. He didn’t want to agitate Dean in any way.


“We need to go to Wisconsin. There have been some suspicious drownings at Lake Manitoc. Despite the lake being dragged, they haven’t found any bodies. I think we should go and investigate,” Dean suggested.


“Dean the job can wait. We need to have this conversation. I need to know if he abused you,” Sam said.


“We went to a fair together. It was to deal with the sprit of a psychotic clown. This clown was straight out of a Stephen king novel. The damn thing was so casual about killing people. He talked about it like it was an everyday hobby. Once we dealt with the clown, we went to this fair like any other father and son would. We had fun together,” Dean said his eyes sparkling with one of the only good memories of their dad.


“Sounds okay,” Sam admitted because he knew that what Dean had said was just beginning. He knew that the worst was yet to come.


“He changed Sam. He became more obsessed with the hunt after the fairground. He used to tell me about mom, but the tone of voice he used made my skin crawl. I would sometimes catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. He would look at me in a way no father should,” Dean said.


“Did he,” Sam stopped speaking because there was no way he could make the words “sexual abuse” seem less severe than they were. He could only be blunt and he felt guilty for knowing what his bluntness would do to Dean. “Touch you?”


“Did he fuck me? Did he rip away any innocence I had left? Did he leave me feeling like I can never be clean? Did he do things to me that have left me broken? Did he destroy what little trust I had in people?” Dean asked, a flood of long held, painful secrets spilling out of his mouth. He had no intention of saying so much to Sam, but once he had started speaking he couldn’t stop.


“Did he do any of those things?” Sam asked, silently begging for those questions to be the product of Dean’s angry mind.


“Would it really matter if I told you he had? Do you seriously think you could change anything?” Dean asked.


“I could help. You could talk to me and I could go kill our dad,” Sam replied, saying the last few words as a joke to lighten the mood.


Getting the Impala’s keys out of his back pocket, he briefly thought of agreeing with Sam’s joke to kill their dad. It would be something that made him feel better for all of a few seconds. Despite all that their dad had done to him, he would defend the man with his last breath. Sighing a little more loudly than normal he said, “I don’t need help. What happened can’t be changed. I’ve moved on with my life Sam.”


“Dean, we need to talk. You can’t keep all of this bottled up.”


“Talking doesn’t help. It never has. We really need to get to the hunt in Wisconsin,” Dean said as he got into the Impala, effectively ending what had been a very difficult conversation.


“Dean,” Sam began to say as he got into car. He wanted to ask so many questions. He wanted to reassure Dean. In the end he settled for just a few simple words. “LakeManitoc—let’s go find out what’s causing those deaths.”

Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
ymmy12ymmy12 on October 18th, 2008 04:28 pm (UTC)
sam is a selfish bastard!

poor dean, he needs to be away from both sam and john
claudia_lexan: pic#52081924claudia_lexan on October 18th, 2008 06:45 pm (UTC)
I'm trying not to make Sam out to be such a selfish so and so, but as he missed six years of Dean's life he desperate to find out what happened during those six years and screw the consequences. The next chapter is calmer than the last one, it just has Dean venting to Bobby. Unloading his feelings, sort of.
Moonstone: headackmoonstone1220 on October 18th, 2008 11:13 pm (UTC)
YAhhh! bring on Bobby ! He;ll make it all better for Dean!

Opps sorry I have a thing for Bobby/Dean.

I love this story Have I said that yet?? well I do !
cain wait for more
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on October 26th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)
I'm just typing up the next part of the story, but due to other commitments it's not going to be posted for another week. The only good news that I can offer is that Sam and Dean will have a conversation in which John's abuse is mentioned. The downside is that the chapter will be nearly five thousand words long.
the_coconut_dogthe_coconut_dog on October 18th, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
~Yikes...I knew he would be bad...but...wow. I was hoping that wouldn't have happened...Well,all the better for the rest of the plot, I imagine?? XD
Still,I liked it, seeing another side of Dean.
claudia_lexan: pic#52081924claudia_lexan on October 18th, 2008 06:47 pm (UTC)
I know it was bad, but I couldn't have John suddenly turning out to be all sweet and flowers. Dean however will still defend John, because for him John is still his dad and nothing he does can change that
the_coconut_dogthe_coconut_dog on October 18th, 2008 07:12 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I understand. It´d be weird if Dean completely hated him.
batina35batina35 on October 18th, 2008 05:48 pm (UTC)
Very intense. I know it's not Dean, but I just want him to come clean. And then Sam needs to stop his urge to control.
claudia_lexan: pic#53874028claudia_lexan on October 18th, 2008 06:49 pm (UTC)
Part of the next chapter has Dean, venting, but I am now thinking of making it longer so that Dean and Sam can have that conversation to clear the air. The conversation that will air every dirty secret Dean or Sam have.
inanna_maat: enfadadoinanna_maat on October 18th, 2008 05:57 pm (UTC)

Child abuse!!! I hate John.... poor little Dean *sob*

And Sam is really angry with his father, I also agree....

claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on October 18th, 2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
John is an asshole in this, but Dean doesn't see himself as a victim. As for Sam offering to kill John well that would be the easy way out
(Deleted comment)
claudia_lexan: pic#77186687claudia_lexan on October 18th, 2008 06:53 pm (UTC)
Oh by the time I have finished altering chapter five ( it was orginally just going to be a phone conversation with Bobby. Dean was just going to vent), Sam will be very sorry for leaving Dean with thier dad.
(Deleted comment)
claudia_lexan: pic#77186678claudia_lexan on October 19th, 2008 10:07 am (UTC)
I did have most of the fifth chapter written. This chapter was mostly a phone conversation between bobby and Dean. I am now extending that chapter, so that Sam and Dean an have that conversation and clear the air. It's just not going to be very pretty
idiot4deanidiot4dean on October 18th, 2008 07:32 pm (UTC)
Love how while Dean was waiting in the bar Sam was talking with someone and not considering how badly he was treating his brother by his lateness. Not surprised Dean walked out of the bar although I am surprised he waited by the car.

Sam wants to blame John for being selfish and making Dean do what John wanted, but Sam is doing the same and wanting Dean to do what he wants. Neither have considered asking Dean what he wants to do and help him achieve it.

Love how the conversation went.

Looking forward to more.
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on October 19th, 2008 10:17 am (UTC)
It would have been easy for Dean to just get in his car and drive away, but he is never the one to leave or let anyone down. The next chapter will be another long one, that will be split into two. Dean and Sam will have that conversation that will clear the air and some very painful secrets will be told. The next chapter will most probably be posted within a week. I just want to get it right.
wicca_faith_fiwicca_faith_fi on October 18th, 2008 10:41 pm (UTC)
brilliant, brilliant, brilliant double chapter! thank you for the 'spolier' sample you gave me a few days ago - and i really love your story! xxx
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on October 19th, 2008 10:22 am (UTC)
Thank you. It was meant to be one chapter, but bloody livejournal won't let me post the thing in one go. The next chapter should be up by next weekend. I just have to finish writing it, send it to my beta. Hopefully I can focus on my other fics after that.
hunters_retreathunters_retreat on October 19th, 2008 07:06 am (UTC)
OH! Great chapter! I feel so bad for Dean and for Sam. The more Sam finds out, the more he needs to know and I feel so much for him, finding it out after the fact when he really did think he was leaving Dean in a better place.

The boys definitely need to get this out and begin the healing. And yeah for future Bobby stuff! Love that man. As I have said elsewhere... Bobby is all that is awesome! :P
claudia_lexan: pic#57602945claudia_lexan on October 19th, 2008 10:31 am (UTC)
The whole conversation with Bobby in the next chapter is needed, because Dean needs to talk to someone who isn't as close to the whole situation. The conversation between Dean and Sam will be happening in the next chapter.

By the time I'm finished Sam will be wanting to do a hell of lot more to damage to john.
serendip50serendip50 on October 19th, 2008 10:40 pm (UTC)
Oh boy, I knew it, Dean's been abused by his drunken dad. How totally wrong. How could you John, how could you. Kill him, I could murder him.

Dean must be so totally broken and damaged inside. It will take some serious therapy to get him over this betrayal. I don't think his brothers words of sympathy or encouragement will be nearly enough.

And what of their relationship. Dos'nt look too hopeful at the moment.

claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on October 20th, 2008 09:56 am (UTC)
Well the next chapter things will get slightly emotional as the boys have a long overdue conversation. A converstaion where they are both honest with each other. As for therapy I don't really think Dean would be the sort to do that.

John well that man will get what is coming to him, but it won't be too violent.

As for their relationship it will eventually be slash.
heathfanheathfan on October 20th, 2008 01:30 am (UTC)
This is soo good so far. Your such a great writer!

Poor Dean =(

Update soon!!!
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on October 20th, 2008 09:57 am (UTC)
Thank you so much.

I know I'm putting Dean though the emotional wringer at the moment, but it means that the ending is always worth it