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03 October 2008 @ 11:05 am
 
Title: Fell On Black Days
Author: [info]
claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 1,705
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes:
Click here to listen to Fell On Black Days'
Notes: This took me a little longer to write than I would have liked, but I wanted to make sure that the conmversation between Sam and Dean was just right. There are still a couple of things I could change, but they are so small it doesn't matter. This is also the fourth version I have done of this chapter
Notes: This chapter has been split into two part, as livejournal won't let me post the whole thing in one go.
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: When Sam finds a letter in a hidden compartment in Dean's bag, he finds out the terrible tragedy that Dean's has kept a secret for years


“You’re asking me to drag up painful memories just to satisfy this need you have for knowledge?” Dean asked.

“I need to talk about the miscarriage. I know it’s going to be painful for you but I only found out about the miscarriage an hour ago. I just need to talk about our baby,” Sam said.

Running a hand over his head, Dean knew that the conversation he had hoped he would never have to deal with could no longer be avoided. He sat back down on the bed, gestured for Sam to do the same, and asked, “What do you need to know?”

“When did you find out you were pregnant?” Sam asked.

“I began to get sick in the mornings and the smell of coffee sent me running to the nearest toilet. I couldn’t blame it on a hangover because back then I rarely drank alcohol. I thought it could be the flu, but when the sickness didn’t stop after a week, I went to the doctor. A blood test was done and I found out I was pregnant two days later in a phone call.”

“How did you react?” Sam asked moving closer to Dean.

“I drove to the nearest bar, got a beer and just sat there watching it go flat,” Dean replied.

Assuming that Dean had already told their dad about the baby, he asked, “How did dad react to the news that he was going to be grandfather?”

With a smile for one of the few memories he had about his pregnancy Dean replied, “I honestly thought he would be angry with me for being pregnant. I expected him to tell me how irresponsible I was and take me to the nearest abortion clinic. He was actually happy for me. He became quite a mother hen. He even began to make plans for how we could protect the baby.”

“That doesn’t sound like our dad,” Sam said astonished.

“He was supportive Sam. When I told him you were the baby’s father, I expected him to call me every hurtful name he could think of. Dad just smiled at me. He actively encouraged me to tell you about the baby,” Dean said.

“Are you sure he was our dad?” Sam asked.

“The minute he started being kind and caring, I forced him to drink holy water and I kept saying Christo. Dad drank the water and his eyes didn’t turn black. Dad was just being supportive.”

“I always thought he would react badly to our relationship,” Sam said.

“I did as well but dad told me our relationship was something he had always known would happen,” Dean replied.

“Why did he never tell me? I went though my teenage years thinking he would castrate me if he found out I loved you more than a brother should,” Sam said.

“Six years ago you were not willing to listen to anything dad had to say without starting an argument. When he wanted to tell you he knew about our relationship and understood, it was too late.”

“Was he with you when the miscarriage happened?” Sam asked.

Bowing his head slightly to hide the tears that were now silently falling down his face, Dean replied, “He found me lying on the bathroom floor. I … I can’t remember a lot from that time other than the pain. Dad … he … told me that I was begging him to kill me.”

Swallowing back the tears Sam quietly asked, “What happened next?”

“I woke up in a hospital bed five hours later. Dad was sitting by the side of the bed on this oddly shaped plastic chair. I … I didn’t have to look at dad to know that I had lost the baby. The … the doctors told me that they didn’t know what the exact cause of the miscarriage had been. Dad … he told the doctors that their lack of knowledge wasn’t helpful. He managed to get the doctors to tell me what could have caused the miscarriage.”

Sam moved closer to Dean, put an arm around his waist, and pulled him closer. Now he was so close to Dean that there was no space between them. He began to make small, soothing, circular motions on Dean’s back. He knew that his actions were not enough to calm his lover, but it was something that might relax him. With a voice that was bubbling over with emotions, he asked. “What did the doctors say?”

Leaning his head on Sam’s shoulder, as he had given up all pretence of hiding his tears, he said, “Infection, smoking, something wrong with the fertilized egg or environmental issues. I … I was unlucky enough to be of those miscarriages where a reason is never found.”

“What happened after the hospital?”

“Went back to the motel with dad…stayed there for two days and got back on the road.” Dean said. At the time, he had been grateful to get back on the road. Carrying on with his life as usual had been had been something he could focus on. It stopped him from focusing on what he had lost.

Angry for so many reasons Sam demanded. “Dad dragged you back on the road two days after you had a miscarriage?!”

“Dad didn’t drag me anywhere. I could have stayed in that motel for as long as I needed to. Dad told me that he could do some research for next hunt on the laptop. He tried to convince me that we could stay in the motel room for an extra week. I told him that I needed to keep busy,” Dean said.

“You should have stayed in the motel room. Throwing yourself back into the hunt was just another way of ignoring what had happened,” Sam said.

If he had the energy, he would have lifted his head off Sam’s shoulder, just so he could glare at Sam. Instead, he just settled for a sigh. “I couldn’t talk about the miscarriage because it was too damn painful. Do you know how hard it was just to get though each day? There was no support I group I could go to. I was alone with my grief.”

Sam wanted to tell Dean that he had always been there as a confidant, but it wasn’t true. For so many years, he had ignored Dean. When he had first rejoined Dean on the hunt, it hadn’t been to look for their dad. It had been a quest for his own personal vengeance. It had only been after a year had passed that he began to really look at Dean. That first clear look at his brother made him realize just what he had done by pushing Dean away for so many years. “Wasn’t there anyone you could talk to?”

“Dad tried to talk to me about the miscarriage, but he couldn’t understand how I was feeling. I wrote the letter so I could get out all of those questions I had. I needed to put some of my feelings down on paper. I’ve learned how to cope Sam.”

“You have me to talk to now,” Sam said.

“I know, but it’s…” Dean stopped talking because he couldn’t put what he wanted to say into words. Talking about the miscarriage was hard. He knew that Sam wouldn’t leave this conversation as just a one off. He just wanted to get on with his life as normal after this conversation was over.

“Hard,” Sam prompted. He knew that Dean wouldn’t want to talk about the miscarriage after the current conversation had ended and he wasn’t going to let that happen. Over the course of the conversation, he had learned that the letter had been Dean’s only way of letting out the emotions he had felt over the miscarriage. He wasn’t going to let Dean bottle up his emotions again.

“I used to believe that I could get though the grieving process quickly, but I was wrong. After the letter, it was an excuse just to shut down emotionally. I didn’t have to deal with dad’s expectations. I knew he wasn’t ready to deal with me being broken up emotionally for months. So it was easier to just ignore the stab of pain I felt on what would have been the baby’s birthday,” Dean said closing his eyes and opening them again with a struggle.

“You don’t have to ignore those emotions Dean. I’m not going to back away in disgust if you start crying. I don’t want you to feel as if you have to hide what your feeling,” Sam said softly.

“Chick flick moment,” Dean mumbled as he closed his eyes for a second time. This time he didn’t bother to open them.

Sam only managed to catch the last word of Dean’s comment. The last couple of hours had taken a lot out of his brother both physically and emotionally. “Dean.”

When after a few minutes there had been no reply to his softly spoken word, Sam knew that Dean was asleep. Although there were still a lot of questions they had to discuss, he wasn’t going to wake Dean up for a second time. Gently he lifted his brother’s head from his shoulder. With carefully practiced ease, he lowered Dean back onto the bed. He then got off the bed and looked at a sleeping Dean. He couldn’t leave his brother laying half on the bed and half of it.

Waking Dean up just enough so that he would be able to co-operate with any movement, would help. Dean needed his sleep and he didn’t want to take the risk of waking him for a second time. He would have to move the man by himself.

He would take care of Dean without any help.

Placing his hands on his brother’s shoulders, he dragged Dean to the top of the bed, so he was now as he should be on the bed. The only problem was that he couldn’t get Dean under the covers. It wasn’t going to be something that he let bother him. Instead of using the sheets from the room’s other bed, he simply got into bed with Dean. Within minutes he was asleep.


 
 
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 
 
 
batina35batina35 on October 3rd, 2008 01:01 pm (UTC)
This was awesome. Glad Sam's making Dean talk about it. It's so sad. And I'm also glad that John's a good guy in this story. So glad he was supportive of Dean's predicament.
claudia_lexan: pic#57602872claudia_lexan on October 3rd, 2008 02:09 pm (UTC)
thank you. I wanted to do at least one story where John is good supportive father. I figured that he wasn't going to be dismissive of Dean's pregnancy or the miscarriage. This chapter was extremely hard to write and I wasn't too sure if I got across the emotion of it all. Hopefully, I should have another chapter posted within two or three weeks
inanna_maatinanna_maat on October 3rd, 2008 02:42 pm (UTC)
Amazing story, I think!!!

This Dean is soooooooo painfull and pretty.... and go to the Hell with Sammy, hahahaha.........

John is caring!!! wow!!! the part with the holy water was so funny xDDD

And, well, Dean´s feelings about the discarriage are well told ....

Waiting the next chapter!!!! hi from Spain!!!
claudia_lexan: pic#53874028claudia_lexan on October 3rd, 2008 04:19 pm (UTC)
hello from rainy old england. I like the robin hood icon. I'm pleased that I got the emotion across okay. As for a caring John, well it does make a change for the way I usually write him. As for Sam, for him this miscarriage is recent news. His reacting to it as if it happened a few days ago.
klutzy_girlklutzy_girl on October 3rd, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
Great chapter. Update soon. I'm glad Sam wants to help Dean and Dean is actually accepting his help now.

I hope Dean gets pregnant again soon, after he and Sam talk over all their issues.

I'm really glad John is a good father in this. I love Good Father!John.
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on October 4th, 2008 09:35 am (UTC)
Thank you, the next chapter may be two or three weeks as my muse seems to have one into hiding. I will be doing a happy ending, which is unusual for me. As for john, I don't think he could have stood by and done nothing to help his son.
hunters_retreathunters_retreat on October 4th, 2008 02:01 am (UTC)
OH!!!! More please!!! :P

And OMG... clueless Sam.... did you tell the father... tee hee hee
claudia_lexan: pic#53874028claudia_lexan on October 4th, 2008 09:36 am (UTC)
Well Sam can't always know the answers can he.
heathfanheathfan on October 4th, 2008 04:32 am (UTC)
This is such an amazing story. It's really sad though. Poor Dean =(
I love how supportive John was!
I just want to smack Sam for not being there and never picking up the phone.
But I'm glad that they are talking about it now.

I just bookmarked this so I'll be looking out for a new update. Hopefully soon!!!

Keep up the good work!
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on October 4th, 2008 09:43 am (UTC)
From watching the show you get the impression that Sam never wanted his family to intrude on his college life. He didn't want that reminder of the hunt. John being supportive had to happen, as I don't believe he would have had the heart to ignore Dean while he was in pain.

The next part will be a little bit later than this one, as my muse has decided it doesn't want to come out and play.
(Anonymous) on October 9th, 2008 06:08 am (UTC)
I can't believe Sam would lie to Dean about running off to see Sarah even just to talk without apologizing. I wanna see some groveling. I wonder having lost the first baby if Sam could ever convince Dean to risk trying again?
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on October 9th, 2008 08:50 am (UTC)
The way that Sam sees things he hasn't really done anything wrong by going to see Sarah. He didn't have sex with her, all he did was talk. For Dean that is worse than having sex, as the emotional aspect of talking forms an bond between two people. It also doesn't help that Sam couldn't be honest. Lying about sarah only made things worse. There will be a far bit of groveling in the next chapter, but I want to finish of chapter five for hate Me, before I start on a new chapter for this fic.
chrissy6299: sam&deanchrissy6299 on January 23rd, 2009 02:05 pm (UTC)
Great story; very well written.
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on March 14th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
thank you. I only wish I didn't have such a bad case of writers block
Annadramaa_princess on March 14th, 2009 03:56 pm (UTC)
really wonderful and touchy story!! love it
claudia_lexan: pic#77186678claudia_lexan on March 14th, 2009 04:49 pm (UTC)
thank you. Hopefully I will be able to write more than two sentences soon. I know what I want to write, but it's putting it words good enough for this story