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03 October 2008 @ 11:01 am
 
Title: Fell On Black Days
Author: [info]
claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 1,600
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes:
Click here to listen to Fell On Black Days'
Notes: This took me a little longer to write than I would have liked, but I wanted to make sure that the conmversation between Sam and Dean was just right. There are still a couple of things I could change, but they are so small it doesn't matter. This is also the fourth version I have done of this chapter
Notes: This chapter has been split into two part, as livejournal won't let me post the whole thing in one go.
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: When Sam finds a letter in a hidden compartment in Dean's bag, he finds out the terrible tragedy that Dean's has kept a secret for years



 

He is tired. Every part of his body aches. He has a headache that is threatening to turn into a migraine. He wants to spend the next 24 hours in bed sleeping. He wants the chance to relax, but that isn’t going to happen.

Sam wants to talk to him about what he has no idea. He knows it has nothing to do with the yellow-eyed demon he had killed just four short hours ago. He can’t close his eyes and go back to sleep though. Sam would only whine and moan about meaningless shit until he agreed to talk. It didn’t matter that they were both exhausted and any conversation they had would be full of sharp, angry words. Summoning up the remaining energy he has left, he moves forward until he can sit on the edge of the bed.

He attempts to wipe the grit out of his eyes before looking at Sam and demanding, “What do you want that couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”

“I found a letter in your bag,” Sam said simply.

Dean knew that the only letter he had in his bag was the one that he had placed in a hidden compartment. A letter which represented a very painful part of his life. Sam would only have found it if he had been snooping. With a little more coldness in his voice than he would have liked, he replied, “There is no letter.”

Sam reached into Dean’s bag, went straight to the hidden compartment and took out the letter. Waving it in front of Dean, he demanded, “What the fuck is this because it’s not a missing page from dad’s journal!”

Dean reached out and ripped the letter from Sam’s hand. Instead of screwing up the letter and throwing it away, he carefully placed it in his coat pocket. The letter had been the only way he had been able to pour out the emotions and questions he could never share with anyone else. Sam wanted to talk about the letter as if he had a right to. “The letter has nothing to do with you.”

“It’s addressed to me. It’s my letter,” Sam snapped. He wasn’t going to let Dean wiggle out of this conversation

“It’s a letter I never posted,” Dean said. For him that meant Sam had no right to claim the letter as his.

“Don’t argue over the small details with me Dean. I want to know all about this letter,” Sam demanded.

Dean silently counted to ten in an effort to push back his anger. He was in no mood to deal with Sam’s demands. He just wanted to sleep, but Sam didn’t seem to understand that. Getting up from the bed so that Sam wouldn’t be towering over him he said, “You don’t get to make demands and expect me to just give in.”

“How could you keep this a secret for six years? We’ve been lovers again for over a year and it’s only now that I find out you haven’t been entirely honest with me. We are meant to share things with each other Dean,” Sam said slightly hurt.

“I’m sure you have lied to me more than once. If we were completely honest with each other all the time our relationship would just be one long, continuous argument,” Dean replied coolly.

“What point are you trying to make?”

“We don’t have to be honest with each other all the time,” Dean said. He’d had enough relationship experience to know that complete honesty wasn’t always welcome. He knew that Sam always lied when it came to the truth about Sarah, but he was okay with that.

Throwing his hands up in the air in frustration, Sam said, “I could accept that if this was any other conversation. I know you are just trying to avoid talking about this and it’s not going to work Dean.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dean calmly replied.

The fact that Dean was so calm should have told Sam that Dean had gone beyond being angry and was now pissed off. When Dean became that angry, it never led to anything good. Sam ignored the signs of his brother’s worsening temper and said, “I don’t care what you want! I need to know about the letter.”

“You don’t need to know a damn thing!”

Dean, don’t be so stubborn. I know you had a miscarriage. I know how badly it must have affected you,” Sam said.

“Do you honestly believe that reading a letter I wrote gives you an insight to how I was feeling?” Dean asked.

“Talk to me Dean. Tell me how you felt back then,” Sam requested.

“No.”

Dean, writing that one letter couldn’t have been enough to get over the loss of a baby. Did you tell the baby’s father?” Sam asked.

For a very brief moment, Dean was thrown by Sam’s sudden change in conversation. In one moment, Sam was talking about the miscarriage and in the next, he was asking about the baby’s father. Taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself down Dean said, “That letter helped me Sam. The baby’s dad—well—it’s complicated.”

“So un-complicate it for me.”

Dean knew that Sam was managing to get the information he wanted about the letter in a round about manner. He knew that he could end the conversation by walking out of the room or he could just refuse to talk. However, those were both forms of running away and he had never done that before. He wasn’t going to let what he knew would be an extremely painful conversation cause him to run. Turning his back on Sam so he wouldn’t be able to see his lover’s reaction to what he said, he spoke softly. “We only had a few dates. Those dates were nothing more than breakfast in a diner or researching a job. The baby was a result of the one and only time I let him top.”

All of what Dean had just said described their first attempt at a relationship. Swallowing back the lump that was forming in his throat, Sam said, “That sounds exactly like us.”

“It was,” Dean whispered.

“I’m the baby’s dad?” Sam asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said. He wasn’t going to correct Sam and tell him that there was no baby. He was just going to ignore Sam’s use of the wrong words.

“How could you be so selfish as to keep this a secret? Not once during the past year have you given me a hint of this letter. If you could lie so easily about this how do I know your not hiding anything else?” Sam asked.

Turning around so he could talk to Sam face to face, he angrily replied, “Don’t you dare try and take the moral high ground with me Sam! I have one secret. One thing that you didn’t know about me. I have never questioned you about all of the secrets you keep.”

“I don’t have any secrets,” Sam insisted.

He knew that Sam had gone to see Sarah seven months ago. Sam had explained that absence by telling him it was to meet up with some old college. He had offered to go with Sam, but at the time Sam had told him that it wouldn’t be his type of thing. He had accepted that excuse. He had just put it down to Sam needing his own space. All he had to do was mention just one word to prove that Sam had lied to him. So that is exactly what he did. “Sarah.”

“I haven’t seen Sarah since we finished that job. I only kissed her once and you encouraged me to do that. I can’t believe you are comparing something as innocent as a kiss with what you have done,” Sam said. There was no possible way that Dean could know about the three days he had spent with Sarah. They hadn’t done anything together other than talk, but he still lied to Dean about it.

“The three days you spent with Sarah didn’t happen then?” Dean asked.

“How could you ...”

Waving his hand to interrupt Sam’s excuse or reasoning behind the lies he said. “It doesn’t matter how I know Sam. The point is that I trusted you enough to know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.”

“Do you honestly think that my small lie compares to what you have done. Our baby miscarried and I didn’t find out about it until now,” Sam said.

“Did you read the part of the letter about the phone calls?” Dean asked.

“Yes.”

“When I was lying in that hospital bed attempting to recover from my miscarriage I phoned you. I … I actually begged you to visit me. I told you which hospital I was and how you could find it. I told you that it serious but you never came,” Dean said his anger giving way to hurt.

With equal parts denial and anger for the way he had treated Dean in the past Sam replied. “You could have made the effort to visit me.”

Once again, he silently counted to ten so that he wouldn’t hit Sam for such an insensitive and selfish remark. “Why would I do that Sam when you had made it abundantly clear that I wasn’t welcome?”

“You were always welcome,” Sam said simply.

Sighing softly Dean replied, “No I wasn’t.”

Dean, I don’t want to argue about how I could have done things differently. I just want to talk about the letter,” Sam said.

Part two




 
 
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 
 
 
Alyssa: Dean + Holy Water = Doesn't Mixpyrokitten77 on October 3rd, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)
Wow, this is really good. Dean should totally punch Sam. He deserves it. *glares at Sam*

Anyway, I can't wait to read the next part! :D
claudia_lexan: pic#57602945claudia_lexan on October 4th, 2008 09:09 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. I did struggle to write this and I know the next part is going to be just as hard.