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13 September 2008 @ 12:48 pm
Title: Fell On Black Days
Author: [info]claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 1,214
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes:  Click here to listen to Fell On Black Days'
Notes: Written to help me get over my writers block
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: When Sam finds a letter in a hidden compartment in Dean's bag, he finds out the terrible tragedy that Dean's has kept a secret for years



The final battle with the yellow-eyed Demon had driven them both to the point of exhaustion.  It had taken an inordinate amount of effort just to get into the car and drive to the nearest motel room.  Neither of them had wanted to stay with another hunter, preferring only each other’s company.


The motel they were staying at looked as if it was just two steps away from being condemned.  The condition of the motel didn’t bother either of them.  All that mattered was their room had four walls and a non-leaking roof.


Upon stepping into the motel room, salt lines had immediately been laid.  Protection symbols had been drawn on all of the walls, floors and doors.  Neither of them had been willing to take the risk of a demon attacking.


As usual, Dean had taken the bed closest to the door.  The blade that had hours earlier been used to defend Bobby had been placed under his pillow.  Dean was still fully clothed, having collapsed onto the bed after the protection symbols and salt lines had been completed.


Sam had just gone past the point of exhaustion and now he found himself unable to sleep.  There wasn’t a lot that he could do that wouldn’t disturb Dean.  He couldn’t watch television or even have a shower, as that would make too much noise.  The only thing he could do was sort out their bags.  It wasn’t going to be a pleasant task.  Most of the clothes in the bags were covered in blood.  That blood would have dried and as a result, most pieces of clothing would have stuck together.  He opened Dean’s bag and dumped the contents on the floor.  Knowing that Dean had a thing for hidden compartments, he searched the empty bag for a zip or button.  He found a small button and gently undid it.  Reaching inside the small compartment, he found an envelope with his name on it.  Ignoring the pile of unwashed clothes on the floor, he sat on his bed.  Why would Dean write him a letter and never send it.  What had happened for Dean to disregard his usual dislike of writing letters?


He was almost fearful of what the letter may say. 


Opening the envelope, he took out the letter and began to read it.



I don’t write letters like this.  I’m not the type of person who has the time to write down all his thoughts or feelings on a piece of paper.  I shouldn’t need to tell you things that I could only tell my own reflection.  I’m a hunter that has killed things that would make most grown men weep.  I don’t need you to reassure me that everything will be okay.  It will never be okay again, not after what has happened.  I don’t want you to have any power over me because of this one letter.


Is college everything you thought it would be?  Have you been to any of those frat parties where girls are easy and the alcohol is free?  Have you joined one of those fraternities?  Do you have friends?  Are they treating you well?  Are you staying away from the supernatural?  You had damn well better be since I’m not there to back you up.  I don’t want a phone call one day telling me that you’re dead. I’m never going to get a phone call like that.  I bet everyone thinks you’re an only child and your parents are dead.  That would explain why you never answered the phone when I called.  It should make it easier to accept why you never came to the hospital when I phoned begging you to.  It should, but none of it does. What did I do that has caused you ignore my every attempt at communication?


I’m one of those lucky men who can have kids, but I was unlucky enough to have a miscarriage.  I don’t need you to tell me that it’s for the best.  You can’t know that it’s for the best…even you don’t have that kind of knowledge.  I know that you would try and tell me that this was nature’s way of taking care of things.  How the fuck can this be taking care of things?  It’s a baby not a fucking spirit.  Don’t tell me that everything will be okay because nothing ever will be again.  The thing is, since you are ignoring all of my attempts at contacting you, you will never know how I feel.  You will never know that all I can think of is the things I will never get to do with my baby.  I’ll never feel the baby move inside me.  I will never feel that first kick.  I will never be able the take the baby for walks in the park.  I will never be able to tell my baby about the hunt where I was covered in green slime by a pissed off spirit.  There are just so many things I will never get to do with my baby.  I don’t expect you to take any notice of this letter and visit me.  I don’t expect you to remember that you have a brother.


I’ve told you about the baby and it was easier than I expected.  It helped to write down words that I will never be able to speak aloud.  I know I may never recover from this, but maybe that is all I deserve.



With silent robotic movements, Sam put the letter back into the envelope and back into the compartment where he found it.  Unable to remain still, he got off the bed and began to pace.  He wanted nothing more than to wake Dean up and demand to know about the pregnancy.  It was selfish, but he wanted to know every detail of what Dean had gone through with the miscarriage.  He had so many questions that he wanted answers for.  He wanted to reach out and touch Dean, but found himself unable to move.  All he could do was look at his brother, attempting to find any sign of the loss Dean had suffered.


Running a hand though his hair, he cast his mind back to the time when he joined Dean in the search for there missing dad.  Dean had slipped back into the role of big brother with frightening ease.  The banter between them hadn’t changed in the years they had been apart.  They had still pulled small pranks on each other and Dean had still been protective to the point of being annoying. 


He had been back with Dean for nearly a year when he had made the first of many attempts to restart their relationship as lovers.  Nothing he had tried worked.  It was only when Dean had come out of his coma that their relationship as lovers had begun again.


Finding the courage that he thought had gone when he read the letter, he took several steps towards Dean.  He sat on the edge of the bed and gently brushed his hand across Dean’s left cheek. 


Gently he shook the older man until he woke up.


“Five more minutes,” Dean mumbled.


Dean, we need to talk,” Sam said, quashing the guilt he felt at waking an obviously exhausted Dean .

Fell On Black Days - Part Two )

Current Mood: busybusy
batina35batina35 on September 13th, 2008 12:20 pm (UTC)
sad story. i hope you continue it.
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on September 13th, 2008 01:09 pm (UTC)
I will be continuing it, a few ideas for the next chapter, but it's all going to bit to angsty and sad
idiot4deanidiot4dean on September 13th, 2008 12:53 pm (UTC)
So sad. I hope you continue.

claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on September 13th, 2008 01:11 pm (UTC)
I will be continuing with the fic. I like your icon by the way, brang a smile to my face. After the stressful day I've been having that helps.
(no subject) - idiot4dean on September 13th, 2008 02:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - claudia_lexan on September 13th, 2008 02:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
lunadragonxlunadragonx on September 13th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
Omg, this is so sad, brilliant, but sad. I hope there is gonna be more soon.
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on September 13th, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the review. there will be more, but the idea I have in mind is angsty and emotional.
(Anonymous) on September 13th, 2008 04:11 pm (UTC)
Oh no no no, you can't leave it there! I love the letter by the way, love it when Dean stands up for himself even if it's in a letter he never sent, poor thing.
claudia_lexan: pic#57602872claudia_lexan on September 13th, 2008 05:18 pm (UTC)
Dean will be giving Sam a good piece of his mind in the next chapter. He has a few things to say that he never mentioned in the letter
Ashleygeeky_ginger on September 13th, 2008 04:56 pm (UTC)
Aww, I hope there's more! :-)
claudia_lexan: pic#57603072claudia_lexan on September 13th, 2008 05:19 pm (UTC)
There will be, I'm currently writing the next part.
(no subject) - geeky_ginger on September 13th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Moonstone: Demon Deanmoonstone1220 on September 13th, 2008 05:04 pm (UTC)
You are brilliant ! Have I told you that yet?? Well you are!
I cant wait for more .
claudia_lexan: pic#77186678claudia_lexan on September 13th, 2008 05:20 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. all of these good reviews on livejournal are making me feel so much better. Fanfiction.net kind of put m of writing any kind of fic for a good while.
klutzy_girlklutzy_girl on September 13th, 2008 07:09 pm (UTC)
Great story so far. Update soon. I love pregnant Dean more than pregnant Sam for some weird reason. I can't wait to find out how Dean reacts to Sammy knowing the truth.
claudia_lexan: pic#52081924claudia_lexan on September 14th, 2008 09:55 am (UTC)
It won't be good, I'm planning a chapter with a lot of shouting, and Dean going on the defensive
(Deleted comment)
claudia_lexan: pic#57603128claudia_lexan on September 14th, 2008 09:57 am (UTC)
I have the awful habit of leaving all fic I write on a cliffhanger. It's something I keep promising myself I will never do, but still do
yonkyuyonkyu on September 13th, 2008 08:10 pm (UTC)
I loved the letter part the best. So packed with emotion, hurt, wondering, and dealing, and strength. I am curious to know who Dean got pregnant by when he had the miscarriage, but I hope in the end Dean does get pregnant with Sam's baby. Its sort of a kink of mine that Dean gets pregnant. I am waiting for the next chapter and see how the "chick-flick moment" goes. Nice job.
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on September 14th, 2008 10:01 am (UTC)
I did really think that the letter part of the story wasn't very good and maybe I could have written it better. With all of these great reviews I've come to realize that it's okay. I wanted to write questions in the letter that would seem natural to ask for a person who has just had a miscarriage.

The baby is Sam's, the miscarriage occurred just three months after Sam had left for college.
That will be explained more in the next chapter
(Anonymous) on September 13th, 2008 08:10 pm (UTC)
a sad start but also a good one, who was the father of the lost baby?
claudia_lexan: pic#77186524claudia_lexan on September 14th, 2008 10:03 am (UTC)
Sam was the father of the baby. I will be explaining how that was possible in the next chapter.
hunters_retreathunters_retreat on September 14th, 2008 04:28 am (UTC)
OMG! This was beautifully written! I can't wait to see more!
claudia_lexan: pic#77186678claudia_lexan on September 14th, 2008 10:05 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. It's great to know that a great beta reader mago186 has helped get rid of any mistakes I may have made. Without a good beta reader I don't think this would have turned out as well as it did.
sammy_dean_mi on September 14th, 2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
So sad but so beautiful at the same time.
Great start for the story, it's really good. I'm so happy to know that you will write more :D
and the letter it's absolutely amazing, you write pretty well.
Please update the rest soon, I'm really curious.
claudia_lexan: pic#57602945claudia_lexan on September 15th, 2008 01:47 pm (UTC)
I'm currently writing the next chapter, It should be posted within the next week. I hope to update this story on a regular basis.
the_curlyonethe_curlyone on September 15th, 2008 07:00 pm (UTC)
great story can't wait for the update!
claudia_lexan: pic#77186687claudia_lexan on September 16th, 2008 07:23 am (UTC)
thank you, currently writing the next chapter and I will hopefully have that up in a week
silverruffiansilverruffian on July 2nd, 2009 05:52 pm (UTC)
This was interesting.

Reminds me a lot of Weird Dean, by Water Nymph1970, over on Fanfiction.Net. No wincest,tho.
Dean has a very devoted lover, a beautiful daughter, and a very very colorful sex life. It's a darn good read.
claudia_lexanclaudia_lexan on July 3rd, 2009 07:36 am (UTC)
Thank you, I shall go and read that story by Water Nymph 1970