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09 July 2007 @ 01:29 pm

Title: Lost
Author: Claudia_Lexan

Fandom: Real person fiction
Rating: PG-13
Character(s): Jc Chasez, Justin Timberlake
Prompt: One
Warnings:  mpreg and suicide is mentioned

Summary: It was just that one moment that made him write a letter to tell Justin.  To tell him about there lost child



I am sitting here writing this letter in a dark corner of a bar of whose name I don’t know.  I could have written this letter in the studio, in my house or at a diner, but I guess the lure of alcohol was just too much to fight.  The thing is despite having a bottle of beer in front of me I haven’t touched it.

Before you read anymore of the letter you should know that I have nothing good to say.  Joey told me more than once that I needed to tell you what happened but I didn’t want to.  I made all of these promises to call or visit you, but I never did.  I guess after a while of not telling you what had happened it became easier than telling you.

So this is what you need to know.  Until a week ago, I was three months pregnant with our child.

I know that is not something you expected me to tell you.  They are words I find so damn hard to write because the loss is just so new.  A big part of me still wants to be pregnant but that is just wishful thinking.  I feel so empty inside Justin.  It’s like there is a huge piece of me that is missing and I can’t replace it.  I can’t change how I feel with just a few words.

Even though I was only pregnant for three months, I had already begun to make plans.  I bought a book of baby names and I used to spend hours looking though it.  I kept imagining how our child would look.  Would he or she have my eyes or your nose?  Our baby would have been so adorable not matter what.  For those months that I was pregnant, I was in awe that you and I had created a child.  My only fear had been telling you and now that I am no longer pregnant, that fear doesn’t matter.  It shouldn’t matter but it does.   I never got to tell you I was pregnant with our child.  I can only tell you that I used to be pregnant with our child.  I was too stubborn and that has cost me.

It has cost me because now I have no one I can turn to.

My parents the two people I trusted even more than you turned there backs on me.  I told them I was pregnant juts two days before I miscarried.  I expected them to be happy that I was pregnant with the first grandchild all I got was disappointment and disgust.  There was no happiness or support.  All my parents were concerned about was how the media would react and how I had ruined there reputations.  They were only concerned about the money they would lose.  When they asked me who the father was, I lied.  For the first time in my life, I looked at my parents and lied.

Two days later Joey found me in the bathroom curled into a foetal position.  Every part of me felt like it was on fire and all I wanted tot do was die.  Joey later told me that I was crying and begging him to kill me.  He also mentioned something about blood but all I can remember is the pain.  The journey to the hospital was both the longest and shortest journey of my life.  By the time, a doctor saw me it was to late.  I had lost the baby.  Against medical advice of the doctor who treated me, I left the hospital with Joey by my side.  For two day, Joey stayed with me.  He listened to me talk about our baby and held me as I cried.  Joey was the one who stopped me from slitting my wrists in those first few days.

Then came the breakthrough.  The thing that made me write this letter.

After another five days and the day, I decided to write this letter I saw you on television.  It was just an interview about what I have no idea.  It was just seeing you television.  It set me of on a crying jag that lasted for two hours.  I kept thinking about how selfish I had been.  How could I deny you the right to know about our child but that what good would it be for you to anything.  Why would I want to inflict such pain on you?  I am choosing to write this letter.  This letter will be delivered to your house by me.  I’m not callous enough to ask someone else to deliver this letter.

I can admit that this letter is hard tow rite.  I thought that once I had put pen to paper it would be easy and words would just flow.  I keep going over things I’ve already mentioned and that’s not like me.

I have a photo of our unborn child.  A picture of our child at three months.  Although it is just a scan photo, it’s still something that never leaves my side.  It’s the only thing other than my memories that I have of our child.  I keep imagining how I could have coped with the pregnancy if I had not miscarried.  I wonder if my parents would have accepted my pregnancy but I’ll never have the answers to those questions.  All the wandering in the world is not going to change how I feel.

My parents then told about my miscarriage greeted it as if I had told them good news.  They told me that my pregnancy was never going to be a good thing because of who I used to be and who I knew.  My own parents told me that now I was no longer pregnant I was welcome back in there house again.  They didn’t want me to acknowledge that what I had been though was painful.  They didn’t want to know I was barely keeping my sanity intact.  I wanted there support but I didn’t get it.  I wanted to phone you and just tell you all about what I had gone though.  I needed someone to just hold me and tell me everything was okay.  I didn’t want to feel the way I did.

There used to be a time when you were the only person I could trust before any of this happened. It was after you dumped me just after we had made love.  It was on that night that our child was conceived that I lost all trust in you.  During the past week, I have come to realize that going though this alone wasn’t necessary.  I want you to know how I feel but I can’t explain it.  I can’t put into words just how alone I feel.  I can’t expect you to understand how I feel when even I don’t.

There are no more words left that I can write.  I just wanted you to know about our lost child.  I wanted you to know what we had lost.


Current Mood: calmcalm